


Wonderlust

by Crizzadile



Series: Bridgerton-Featherington [TV & Book] [1]
Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Jealousy, Pining, Protectiveness, Sibling Bonding, Unrequited Love, colin is a brute to pen and needs to feel pain as long as pen did, colin is suffering bc marina debacle, jealous Colin, letting go, no beta we die like men, so much angst bc it took Colin 10+ years to figure sht out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:09:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 37,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28582524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crizzadile/pseuds/Crizzadile
Summary: Colin Bridgerton broke her heart so many times she lost count. And yet she still loved him, holding out hope that one day he would love her back. Maybe if she stayed close, watched over him, and always be free for dances at every party, he would love her back.But Colin would never love her. He made sure of it this season when he perilously broke her heart more than once in a season when he looked for Marina, danced with Marina.... and lastly asked for Marina's hand in marriage, a girl he barely knew, a girl he never grew up with, a girl that was nother, Penelope.And so, she let go. After the aftermath of his scandal, throughout the years they remained as close friends writing letters back and forth, having a dance when he returned from his travels… until one day, she stopped writing back and she was dancing with someone else. Colin was not having this.A mixture of books and tv show- Based on the last ep of the TV Show (filling in the gaps of the show) and some stuff from Book 4. Canon Compliant and Divergent.
Relationships: Colin Bridgerton/Penelope Featherington
Series: Bridgerton-Featherington [TV & Book] [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105727
Comments: 274
Kudos: 917





	1. This is How a Heart Breaks

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry, this was not beta-ed! Also, my knowledge of the Bridgerton only spans the tv show and Book 4. Timeline is all mixed in this story to fit the story.A mixture- Based on the last ep of the TV Show (filling in the gaps of the tv show) and some stuff from Book 4 (my fave book!) 
> 
> Just wanted to add and grow the fandom! I am obsessed with Colin/Pen, and I believe Pen deserves the world!

The first time Colin Bridgerton broke her heart was when he didn't notice her at all. But, the more time she spent around Eloise, the more she inserted her life into the Bridgertons during off days and during season parties, the more he noticed her existence. And he danced with her at every ball so she didn't feel left out. So her heart mended. 

The second time Colin Bridgerton broke her heart was when he proclaimed out loud to his brothers he would never marry her as if the thought of being with her repulsed him.

 _“... I am certainly not going to marry Penelope Featherington!”_ It echoed in her nightmares, it shaped her, it broke her. Penelope didn’t think she could recover from this, but she did. All it took was an apology and a continued dance at every party. 

Oh how easy she was, so naive, and so in love she was.

The other times he broke her heart were sprinkled throughout her years being alive, it was whenever he traveled and was gone for 6 months, 12, sometimes more and she waited for him to come home, it was when he was laughing and smiling with another girl, it was when he forgot about her existence. 

In truth, Colin Bridgerton broke her heart so many times she lost count. And yet she still loved him, holding out hope that one day he would love her back. Maybe if she stayed close, watched over him, and always be free for dances at every party, he would love her back. 

But Colin would never love her. He made sure of it this season when he perilously broke her heart more than once in a season when he looked for Marina, danced with Marina.... and lastly asked for Marina's hand in marriage, a girl he barely knew, a girl who was deceiving him. A girl he never grew up with, a girl that was not her, Penelope. 

She cried every night. He decided to stomp on her love, even more, when she tried to warn him, a plea for him to listen to her, and he ignored her. Another shot through her bleeding heart was Marina, confirming that Colin would never look at her like that when Penelope confronted Marina for her deceit.

So in anger, heartache, and sadness, Lady Whistledown took over and solved all her problems for her. She wrote the most scathing thing she knew, a secret she was keeping for so long for Marina. 

However, after dropping off the hardest article she’s ever written, it didn't quell the rising bile and aching feeling in her chest. She needed to breathe, she needed to find comfort somewhere, she needed someone, anyone. After getting out of the hired hack she used to go to town, she found herself walking towards the Bridgerton grounds late at night, unaccompanied, and saw Eloise sitting on the swing.

Her best friend looked up at her shocked to see her at this time of night, "Pen-"

And then, Penelope broke down. Years and years of torment, unrequited love, and pain from the one she loved came rushing out. She was sobbing, tears running down her cheeks, her already broken heart, broken all over again. She slumped into Eloise's warm hug and didn't know how long she was there for, but by the time she could see past her tears, it was dawn. It was the day everyone would find out, and it was over.

It was over, thanks to Lady Whistledown. 

Colin would never love her, yet, her stupid lovesick self decided that this whole ordeal gave her the courage to finally want to say what she felt. She had to, or the feeling in her chest would never go away, she would never be alright if she didn’t at least try. 

_Right?_

The next time Pen saw Colin, it was at the last party of the season. She was in her ugliest yellow dress, standing at the corner by the large pillar at the party. She was there on purpose, though she didn’t look it, looking the wallflower that she was. However she was here for Colin, she waited as usual for him to dance with her. She always picked a corner near a pillar, only because Colin would know to look for her there.

She waited, and, she was right because finally, Colin found her, and they locked eyes and he came over.

"Colin-"

_I love you._

"Pen-"

"I owe you an apology I know you were trying to prevent me from heartache with Ms. Thompson," Colin started, then sighed loudly. " I am a fool."

_I love you._

"You're not a fool," Penelope interjected. She had to tell him that he was right in his feelings, as hers were for him. "You merely believed yourself in love. One should never apologize for that." She suddenly found her voice suddenly picking up with volume and passion. 

_I love you. I need to tell you I love you._

She started to smile as she spoke. Nows the time.

“When one finds themself in such a position one should declare it. Assuredly… fervently… loudly,” she had to pause for a second, taking a quick breath in, because if she continued talking she might choke. With a larger smile still on her face she started to declare, “Colin- I-”

“I wish to tell you something as well,” Colin interrupted hastily cutting off her speech. “I’m leaving.”

Her smile faltered, and she felt her chest ache.

“First thing tomorrow. To the Mediterranean, it was you who inspired me,” Colin continued, she searched his face as he was talking, her smile completely erased, her eyes holding back tears that were threatening to fall. 

“Oh, what was it that you wanted to say?” Colin suddenly asked.

“I- I don’t remember,” Penelope murmured. 

If the music wasn’t playing in the background, Penelope could’ve sworn everyone heard her already tattered heart shatter. 

_I love you._

“Oh, then shall we dance?” Colin asked.

“No, not tonight. I am all danced out for the night. Colin, good luck on your tour,” With a nod, Penelope mustered all the dignity she had left and walked away. 

Colin would never love her the way she loved him. These past years, and especially this year was confirmation of it. 

And so, as she walked away from him, with every heavy step she took, she vowed to let go. Because if one could die of a broken heart, Penelope believed she died more than a hundred times ever since she met Colin. She wanted this pain to end, for her tears to stop, for her heart to be whole again. She wanted to live a life, and she couldn’t do that as long as she loved Colin.

This was the last time Colin Bridgerton will ever break her heart.

* * *

Colin frequently traveled, he loved it. He always had the case of wanderlust. Every time he returned home, he hung around for a little and was itching for the next travel. It was on these trips he would meet different types of people, some like the Ton, some extremely different from the Ton. 

This season when he returned he thought his life would change especially when he fell for Marina. But as Lady Whistledown would have it that did not happen. Well, his life did change not for the better or worst, but for once he was a headline of gossip for a few weeks when usually, his siblings took the cake on that.

Ah, he did not have ill will towards this gossipmonger, in fact, Lady Whistledown probably saved his, well, his bachelor life? He didn’t think of himself as dramatic, but Lady Whistledown definitely did play a part in saving his freedom. He would’ve been trapped in a sham of marriage if not for Lady Whistledown and Penelope.

He was infatuated with Marina for a while, but as Anthony pointed out in the beginning he knew nothing about her, and he was just a young child that had rose-colored glasses on. Anthony warned him, Penelope, whom he grew up with warned him and he listened to neither.

Who did he listen to instead?

Lady Whistledown. 

At first, when he found out he still didn’t believe it, but after a few days of thinking, and finally having a conversation with Marina (thanks to Daphne chaperoning), he had this full, sad story. He couldn’t sugarcoat what happened to him. He nearly made a lifelong mistake. He understood why his older brothers are taking their sweet time in getting married. He felt more sympathetic towards his brothers now.

Getting married wasn’t easy, it was complicated, it included more than lust and initial sexual attraction, which is probably what he based it on with Marina.

Sure, he was a little heartbroken, but he barely knew her, and she loved someone else and was carrying someone else’s baby. There was too much baggage there for him, even if he wanted to (and he did not want to).

What was a marriage if not for trust, and he was nearly conned into a loveless marriage, that will not do. He looked back on it and realized he didn’t love her at all if he could bounce back so quickly and travel. But this in due part thanks to his dearest Penelope.

His? Well, she was a dear friend that was for sure. She reminded him he loved traveling, and for a moment he had forgotten about it but she reminded him where his passions lie, and he could not thank her enough. 

While on his travels to the Mediterranean, he frequently wrote home, and frequently wrote to Penelope. Her letters were the most flowery, detailed, lovely letters he’s ever received, so he was eager to always write back. She always had more to say to him, even more than she did when they were face to face. He learned a lot from her writing, and he grew to love waiting for her letters.

She would always care about what he said, regurgitating his last letter to her, but with her own quips and comments.

_Dearest Colin Bridgerton,_

_You say you managed to swim in the clear water that looked like glass, peering into the depths that had beautiful colorful rainbowed coral and fishes of many shapes and sizes that surround you as you float by them. How fascinating and jealous I am! Please do elaborate more on the feel of the water, the color of the water, was it turquoise like Daphne’s last season dress? Or was it light blue like a baby Hyacinth (the flower, of course, sir, although your sister has been donning beautiful blue dresses lately!) this can surely tell me more about the Mediterranean weather! Was it warm, not dreary like London? How I’d like to escape this dreadful overcast town. So please pray tell where will your next adventures take you?_

Her letters were so attentive, and it was genuinely interested in his travels. So he found himself writing back, most excited to hear back from her. 

When he returned he’d dance with her, like he always had, and they’d catch up, talking about his travels, and her talking about her boring seasons. It was actually really nice, he enjoyed it. And when he set off for his next travel, he was excited to hear from her again. And they wrote back and forth while he was in France, Russia, Switzerland, just everywhere he traveled they wrote.

Each time, she’d replied back without fail. Until one season, her sixth if Colin wasn’t mistaken, she didn’t.

* * *

Penelope was glad Colin was away for so long. It was easier to let go of him when he wasn't in close proximity to her. Why hadn’t she tried to do this the last few times he left on his long travels?

_Absence makes the heart grow fonder._

Her LW voice echoing in her head. The first few weeks were the hardest as she worked perilously hard to let go of Colin. At first, she asked herself how could she forget the person she’s been in love with all her life? It was difficult. So, she devoted her time to writing, deciding to branch out from her most famous gossip column to writing about, well, herself.

As Lady Whistledown, she realized she never wrote about herself except for when she’s talking about her clothes, this, of course, was by design. It made her wonder though, what did she know about herself. So she started writing about herself for herself, she called it _The Wallflower of the Ton_. She liked the sound of that.

When the first letter came, it was only two months after the Marina-Colin debacle, and a month after her near confession which Colin basically cut short. She wondered again if he knew what she was going to say, so to kill the awkwardness he decided to cut her off.

Well, she’d never know. Now here she was holding a letter from him, surprised he even wrote to her. Couldn’t he just ask about her from Eloise why did she get one directly from him? 

_Dear Penelope, how are you faring with your family?_

At first, her heart ached, seeing his writing, he had really beautiful cursive writing, but the contents of the letter were that of a friend, not as a lover. She snorted, what else did she think would be in the letter? But that was all she was to him. His sister's friend, the girl he danced with once in a while, and the girl that saved him from heartache.

Penelope sighed, gripping the edge of the letter. Maybe Marina was a blessing in disguise, if marina didn't come around Penelope would've been waiting for this false hope with Colin. This definitely accelerated her possibly years of heartache for him. Not like she didn’t long for him for 10+ years.

 _Time, Penelope. Time and acceptance heal all_. She told herself in her Lady Whistledown voice.

She took a quill and dipped it in ink. She decided she would write back. She had no ill feelings towards Colin, she just wanted to stop loving him, and wanted to start accepting him in her life as just...A Bridgerton, her best friend’s brother...a Friend.

_Dear Colin, How are your travels?_

With each stroke of the quill, she slowly shed Colin off from her heart little by little.

When another letter came, and another, she accepted it and wrote back without fail.

“Sometimes I wonder if he writes to you more than us!” Eloise mentioned one time she was present when a letter was delivered to Penelope.

“Are you jealous?” Penelope smiled. “Calm down, I doubt it. I would always ask him to describe his travels as vividly as possible as if I were traveling too, and I suppose he runs out of paper and decides to continue in his next round of letters he sends out.” 

Which was true, sometimes Penelope would get more than a couple of pages. She loved his writing, it was on purpose that she asks him to elaborate on his travels. She found herself admiring his writing, it was lovely. 

As their letters go back and forth, they grew closer as friends, and then it was easy. And when he returned from his travels she saved a dance for him like it was tradition. When he left for his travels, they’d write again until he returned. And then as the years went by she didn’t hurt anymore being near or talking to Colin Bridgerton.

That was when she knew she had room to dance with someone else, and in her sixth season, she did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! This is supposed to be a short fic but I like breaking it up!


	2. How the Tables have Turned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How the tables have turned!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still unbeta-ed, sorry! But hopefully you enjoy, because I live for jealous Colin! Also I am 0 versed in regency, so I apologize for possible period piece discrepancies, lol.

_Rejoice little wallflowers everywhere! Your very own overripe citrus fruit of the Ton was seen dancing, not, with a coerced Bridgerton but with another B in town! Penelope Featherington, still drowning under all the ruffles of her dress, was surprisingly seen on the ballroom floor at Lady Danbury’s party with a Lord Benington, a Baron! Too good to be true, you inquire Dear Reader? Well, Lady Featherington agreed as she fainted and was tended to by the crowd, only for a moment taking the light away from Miss Penelope Featherington, but alas, this news is too good to be true, but, true nevertheless! Unless thine own eyes deceive me, and it rarely does._

_Lady Whistledown Society Papers_

_April 28, 18XX_

Colin was in a bad mood.’ _What in the bloody hell?!’_ was the first thing that ran through Colin’s head when he read this article. He crumpled the article in his hand and decided to cut his Italy trip short and go straight home. He gave Penelope 1 month. 1 whole month to reply back to his last three letters. She did nothing of the sort. He thought something happened to her, and for a month he shuddered from the thought that his closest friend had succumbed to something terrible. 

However, nothing from Eloise or his family said otherwise. If something bad happened to Penelope, Eloise would let him know, so he didn’t return.

Until now. Penelope was just alive and fine and he had to find out from another fellow English traveler who still subscribed and paid for Lady Whistledown's columns, sent to him by his family. Again, Lady Whistledown was informing him of things he had no clue about, and it angered him.

So, he suddenly found himself at home, 5 months earlier than intended. He didn't want to run into anyone as his return wasn't announced, but before he could even get a reprieve and sneak into his room, his mother accosted him in the foyer. Violet had a tendency to know where her children are if they're in proximity to her. A blessing and a curse, Colin thought. 

“Colin! You’re home early!” Violet exclaimed with joy, pulling her son into an embrace.

“Hello Mother, yes, uh, circumstances came up," he hugged her back. 

“Are you… do you finally want to settle down? Is that the circumstance that came up?” Violet's eyes beamed with hope. 

“Nice try Mother, but no. Don’t I still have time? Only Anthony got married, is Benedict not next on your list?”

Violet sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder, giving him a loving squeeze. 

“I can focus on more than one child Colin, Eloise is on my mind, now Hyacinth... and Benedict has had some interest. You have not! Gallivanting the world instead."

Colin groaned. “Mother, remember the last time I showed some interest?” he reminded her of a few seasons ago. The season that nearly sent his mother into an early grave. With Daphne and Simon, then Anthony and the singer, and then him and Marina.

He watched as his mother closed her eyes and shuddered to remember that season. It was not anyone’s favorite season. 

“You have made a solid argument there my dear child. But you were young, and lack of experience does not make you have a free pass. While you are here, since the season just started it doesn’t hurt to just get to know the other girls?" She smiled at him.

Colin frowned, he had no interest in meeting other girls or getting to know them. All he wanted to do was find Penelope and ask her why she wasn’t replying to his letters. He needed to find his brothers first to ask about this Lord Berrywhatever he is. He had never heard of him. 

“Excuse me, Colin Bridgerton? Is that my nomadic brother I see, back in town so soon?”

Oh, that annoying but loving grating voice he grew up with floated in the air. He smiled and turned around to see his younger sister standing in the most ungirly way possible holding a bunch of letters, smacking them against her palm.

“Yes, tis I, Colin Bridgerton. How do you do Eloise Bridgerton?” he asked, opening his arms up for a hug as she giggled and ran up to hug him.

"I am trying my best to get out of this party mother is making me go tonight." She huffed, still hugging him. " Since you're back you can be my excuse not to go," she whispered.

"I don't think so, Eloise. The whole family is going tonight, it's your sister's - Duchess Hasting's party. She will be hurt if you do not go, and she would want to see Colin," their mother tutted. 

Eloise pulled herself away from Colin but kept an arm around his neck and her hand full of letters on her hip. Ungraceful as always, Colin thought grinning at his sister. 

"But she always has parties, always!" Eloise whined. "Colin must be extremely exhausted mother, can't I stay with him?"

"Actually, who will be at this party tonight?" Colin interrupted his sister.

Eloise frowned, Violet beamed. 

"Everyone! You know how well your sister throws parties! Everyone will be there." 

"Why do you ask brother?" Eloise looked at colin, he felt her nosy eyes boring into his skull, looking for something.

"Just wondering, nothing important."

* * *

For once Colin was eager to be going to a party. He usually dreaded these because his mother always forced him to dance with someone. However, he had to give it to his mother because it was how this tradition of dancing with Penelope took off and saved him from all the other girls who circled Bridgerton men like vultures. 

And there she was. At her usual spot by the corner. She wasn't wearing yellow today, she wore sage green. A color she rarely wore, but he knew it was a color she liked.

Penelope was short and it was hard to find her but not to Colin. It was difficult not to notice her with her fiery red hair and (mostly) outlandish gown colors.

He left not but two months ago, how does she look different? Was it the color of her dress? The way she wore her hair? 

His breath hitched in his throat, and he worked to clear it. He didn't know why he suddenly had trouble breathing, nor why he had weird palpitations happening to him. Whatever it was, he can figure it out later, he needed to dance with Penelope, as tradition, she always saved a dance for him. 

As he started walking across the dance floor, he saw Penelope's face light up, he smiled. Did she always have a stunning smile?

He did notice her smile, he just never acknowledged it. However, his smile was short-lived when he realized her gaze wasn't at him but next to him. He felt someone sauntering past him, and he glanced to his left, the man was walking directly towards Penelope.

He was brunette, tall but slightly shorter than Colin, broad shoulders. Colin couldn’t see what he looked like until the man bent stepped to the side, angling his head to whisper something to Penelope.

Huh, his eyes were brown, Colin thought, and he was pale, not as nicely tanned as himself. He saw Penelope laugh. 

_What?_ Penelope was _laughing_. She was bloody laughing? From all his years knowing her, she rarely laughed like that. Who the hell was this person? 

He felt the temperature rise, he suddenly felt extremely hot, a burning sensation in the pit of his stomach. He clenched his jaw.

"Brother!" Colin jumped as someone called out to him, making him break his gaze away from Penelope. He felt a pat and then felt himself being dragged off the floor. Colin looked up to see his second brother, Benedict eyeing him. "You were clogging up the dance floor with no partner for a while. I thought you were lost."

Colin shook his head, and then his attention returned to Penelope and this other man. They were both on the ballroom floor now, she was smiling and chatting. 

_Chatting?_ Now she was bloody chatting? Penelope rarely talked to anyone, let alone chat with an unknown man. 

"Hello Brothers!" Colin heard Anthony's voice. " How's your night-,"

"Brothers, who is that?" Colin interrupted any possible empty conversation they could have had with a single question. He didn't want to dally. He needed answers. 

"Uh who?" Anthony asked. Both he and Benedict searched the dancefloor for who he might be speaking of. Colin started crossing and uncrossing his arms. 

"That man," Colin said impatiently, his head gesturing towards Penelope and who he presumed is the Baron. However, since the dance was going fast, his brothers were still confused as to whom he was speaking of. 

"You've to be specific Colin, plenty of people are on -," Benedict started to go on before Colin snapped at him. 

"The man dancing with Penelope Featherington,” Colin barked, extremely impatient at both of his brothers. 

His brothers looked up to find Penelope then back at Colin. Anthony looking confused, while Benedict had a sly smile on his face. 

"Don't you speak and write to Penelope often?" Anthony asked. It was no secret his whole family knew he and Penelope conversed a lot through letters. "Surely you know about Lord Benington? They’ve been courting for a fortnight now."

Colin felt his body temperature increase exponentially. He started to loosen up his tight collar. God how he hated these clothes. He wanted to cool himself down but had no drink, he was parched. But bless Benedict who noticed, and gave him his drink. Colin took it without hesitation and downed the cool drink. He shoved the glass back to Benedict.

"Unfortunately, her letters did not make it to me on time," Colin pursed his lips. Because she did not write me back, he thought glumly. "What do we know about him?" 

“That he’s a Baron?”Anthony answered obviously. “He comes from a respectable family, free of debt, and has a sizeable fortune.”

“No- No more than that what kind of person is he?” Colin said restlessly, moving his hands, gesturing Anthony to hurry up and talk.

“He is acquainted with Simon.”

Colin frowned, being friends with the Duke of Hastings really isn’t a plus, was it? Not that he disliked Simon, but he did put Daphne through an ordeal, although he did not want to say much as Anthony and Simon were best of friends. 

“So far a good person, pleasant-” Anthony continued.

“And good for Penelope.” Benedict interrupted Anthony. “By God, _really_ good for Penelope,” he emphasized.

Something in Benedict’s tone causes Collin to whip his head up and glare at his brother.

“Why does it matter Colin?” Benedict asked impishly.“Why are you asking so many questions? You just returned from your travels, which you’ve cut short. And the first thing you do is come to a ball, and ask about the Baron Miss Featherington is dancing with.”

“No-nothing I just…” Colin started stuttering. He felt corned by his brothers. Because he had been the youngest brother for so long, before Gregory came along, his brothers used to gang up on him a lot. It was pressure, and he just blurted what he wanted to say out. 

"I have an obligation to her, she helped me stop the biggest mistake of my life, so of course I want to look out for her! Especially without her father around to protect her. I want to make sure she's alright, taken care of, I want to make sure the man she's with is worthy of her, I want to make sure…"

Make sure what? 

After he was done, Colin felt like he just used up the last ounces of his energy to say that. He was sweating and had the biggest headache he’s ever had.

"Colin...are you-," Anthony started but was interrupted by Benedict.

"No, no don't do it, Anthony, let him figure it out."

Anthony sighed. "Let me ask you this colin, why are you doing this?"

Figure out what?! Colin was so frustrated with his brothers, did they not understand?

“Listen, she has grown up with us. She’s like a sister to us, don’t we want to make sure she’s taken care of?” Colin pleaded with his brothers, trying to get them to understand his side. Why he was being so protective. 

“Yes, but she’s not actually our sister, is she? She’s a Featherington,” Benedict chuckled. 

“This is silly!” Anthony said. “Even if we did take care of her like a sister, she is doing extremely well without our help. Penelope Featherington, never danced with anyone all this time! Well except for us and especially you with some coercion from mother, therefore we do not count. She’s bordering being a spinster at this point..."

Colin continued to undo the top of his collar, he felt too hot, his head throbbed, an annoying vein pulsing against his forehead. He wanted his brother to stop talking, to stop making sense. 

“She has a Baron courting her. A Baron! That’s more than a Featherington could ask for, in fact, anyone could ask for! If this works out, Penelope will be a Baroness.” Anthony said, suddenly sounding so proud. He patted Colin on the back before his wife, Kate came to whisk him off to another conversation.

“Yes,” Benedict stepped in front of Colin, so Colin could look up at him. Benedict has a small smile on his face, but his eyes were serious. “So, please, do not create disorder and inconvenience for Penelope Featherington. This is a great outcome for her.”

Colin didn’t notice this whole time he was grinding his teeth, so much, to a point his jaw hurt. 

“But-,” He only felt the pain once he opened his mouth. Benedict shook his head, cutting him off. 

“Colin, you might _certainly not_ want to marry Penelope Featherington,” Benedict stated, reminding Colin of what he said many eons ago, and it hurt Colin to remember what harsh words he said. He almost forgot he said such a thing to his brothers, even more so when Penelope was there. He tried his best to forget it, but it was such a horrible thing it was impossible to forget. He was just a kid and was being pressured by his mother and brothers, he had nothing else to say, except words that would haunt him forever. The last thing he ever wanted was to hurt Penelope.

“But someone else _is_ probably willing to marry her. So, whatever you think you’re doing with this, hero complex of yours, don't do it.” Benedict ended the conversation by giving Colin a pat on the shoulder. 

Colin was left at the corner, his entire body and brain hurt. Talking to his brothers made him feel worse, and he didn’t know why. All he knew was that he wanted to talk to Penelope. However, it was difficult with this new Baron around, he was still dancing with Penelope. It's onto the second song now!. How dare he! Colin always had the first dance at a party with Penelope.

Grabbing a drink, Colin waited until he had an opening to catch Penelope. As he did so, plenty of girls came up to him, but besides a smile and a nod, he barely acknowledged them. His eyes were trained on his redheaded friend and this baron. They were indeed dancing and talking for far too long. Who chats this long? He continued gritting his teeth. 

It was only well forty minutes since his conversation with his brothers did the Lord finally leave Penelope’s side. At this time Cressida was chatting with him about something inane, and he was all but happy to leave her, nodding politely, without saying anything, and took long quick strides to get to Penelope.

* * *

Penelope was absolute skipping, not physically, oh no no, Portia Featherington would have a fit and call that unladylike if she did it. No, she was absolutely gleefully skipping happily in her head. 

After Lord Benington left her side after a nice long pleasant dance to go tend to some matters with Simon, the Duke of Hastings, she retreated to her corner again. The usual corner by the pillar near the food and drinks (just in case she got thirsty for lemonade). Even with the Baron by her arm, she always went to her corner, it was just habit. However, she couldn’t stop smiling, for once, someone paid attention to her. Truly, honestly paid attention to her and she couldn’t believe her luck.

Oh god, she quietly squealed inside. She had no idea how she even got his attention, and god forbid retain his attention. In fact, how they met was honestly by chance. 

Just over a month plus or so ago, she was at the market with her mother. She was so tired and annoyed from another season, her sister Phillipa got married and made her wait hand and foot, and Colin Bridgerton traveled again but did not hesitate to send her a letter. He barely left the port and he already had a letter sent to her.

She was so very annoyed with him, she wondered why couldn’t he leave her alone for a second. She knew nothing would come out of it, so she had completely let go of her childish fantasies of being Mrs. Colin Bridgerton, but Colin manages to somehow insert himself when he was around, and even worse when he wasn’t around. It was a skill, really. 

As her mother went into a store, she decided to sit at the side of the walkway near the steps. She thought about what to write back to him when she returned home.  
  


_Dearest Colin Bridgerton,_

_At the market today with my mother, and she made me wear my ugliest yellow. I suppose Lady Whistledown would call me a sour lemon again-,_

  
As she was lost in her head thinking of a reply to Colin, she felt someone’s knee push against the side of her shoulders and heard a loud “Who-whoaa!!” and a crash. 

Someone tripped over her, not seeing her. Yes the classic, I did not see Penelope sitting there. Penelope rose quickly, “I am SO sorry!” she gasped rushing to his side, pulling him up by his arm.

Her mother came running out. “Penelope what have you done?!” she cried, looking at Penelope trying to pull this man up. 

“I-I- he tripped,” Penelope stammered. The man pulled himself up with Penelope’s help and brushed his waistcoat. Penelope bent down to retrieve his hat on the ground.

“I am extremely sorry!” he exclaimed. “I did not see you there. I should apologize not you,” he stated, his voice panicked but warm. “Are you alright? Did I hurt you?”

“Oh, it’s alright!”Penelope said pleasantly, handing him his hat. The man took it from her and smiled brightly at her. He was dashing, Penelope thought. He had brown hair with brown eyes, pale, so he was definitely from England. 

Portia scoffed at Penelope. “Yes, do not mind her, this is a normal occurrence. I apologize again for her clumsiness. Come Penelope, away from the streets you can cause harm on.”

The man blinked looking back and forth between Portia and Penelope. “It is not her that was clumsy. I was the one who wasn’t looking at the street. My mistake.” He told Portia, and Penelope appreciated that, she tried to hide a smile. A stranger was refuting Portia, it was a nice sight. 

“Also, a normal occurrence? Do people just trip over you easily?” He glanced at Penelope who stood up straight and nodded. 

“Oh, yes sir, tis why I wear these yellow frocks, not for myself you see, mostly for others to see me, as a warning,” she said chirpily. Boy, was she done for the day, she was half-joking and sadly, half not. It was true! She felt like a warning sign whenever she was in this yellow dress. 

“PENELOPE!” Portia gasped.

Penelope shrugged, but then she heard a burst of bellowing laughter. It was coming from this charming man. He was laughing. No one except Eloise and Colin laughed at her comments. This was… this was new. 

“S-sir are you alright?” Portia asked, glaring at her daughter that caused such a seizure in this man.

“Yes! Oh, I am actually splendid,” the man said grinning, his gaze on Penelope. She did not know how to receive that and looked away. She never had anyone look at her like that, directly at her, like she existed. Well, Colin did, but, well Colin was a childhood fantasy- Er, Friend. A childhood friend. 

“Do you mind helping me?” he asked Penelope, ignoring Portia. “I am looking for the Duke of Hastings mansion.”

“Oh the Duke! He is actually -,” Portia started but he politely nodded at her cutting Portia off.

“And you are?”

“Oh, I am Lady Featherington,” Portia introduced herself. “We know where the Duke of Hastings lives, if you’d like to be accompanied there.”

“And who is this lovely lady?” he turned to look at Penelope..Penelope was shocked, she looked around her, making sure he was directing it to her, the girl he just tripped over.

“I’m Penelope Featherington. Yourself?”

“Nathaniel Benington. Would you like to accompany me to the Duke of Hasting’s manor?” He stuck his arm out so Penelope could loop her arm through his. "I would need a walking warning, so I would not trip again."

And accompanied him she did. Portia put up a fight at Penelope going with a stranger but did not care enough to chaperone, as her daughter was four and twenty, at the end of her debutante season, so she sent a maid to chaperone them and went back into the shop.

Penelope found out later that her mother was wailing at home when Portia found out that the strange man that tripped over Penelope was a Lord! Nathaniel Benington, Baron of Hertfordshire. He was friends with Simon Basset from doing trades with his town. 

When she got home that day, Portia so aptly put it _'He would've been perfect for your sister who is debuting this season! Did you frighten him away?'_

Penelope was eternally glad her mother didn’t come along, because much to everyone, including her mother's surprise, she had such a great conversation with this person. He was of rank, handsome, a traveler but most of all, smart. He liked reading books, so they spoke about books.

After getting him to his destination, Penelope was shocked to find out he wanted to see her again, maybe to peruse the promenade that weekend, and peruse they did. As the days went by they spent time together, and Penelope found him to be so funny and attentive.

He reminded her of someone else, a person she did her best not to think of, and for a while, she did not think of Colin Bridgerton.

“Penelope, shall I have this dance? " 

Until now.

* * *

When Colin approached Penelope, she was absolutely gleaming. She had a shy smile on her face, looking down, and she was swaying side to side to the music. When he called her name out, she looked up, astonished. Her light blue eyes were wide with shock. Were her eyes always that round and wide? They looked like large doe-eyes. Colin thought.

"Colin! You- you're back!" She looked around as if looking for someone. Who was she looking for? He frowned, he was right in front of her.

Close up, he now saw that Penelope's hair was as red as ever, she grew her hair out, so her curls rested nicely on the curve of her chin, when before it used to sit on her round cheeks. He wanted to pick a curl and brush it to the back of her ear. 

Wait, what? Colin shook his head.

"Yes, I am back from my travels," Colin announced, giving a light bow, and grabbing her hand leading her to the dance floor.

"It's so soon, don't you still have more of Italy to see?" She asked as he placed a hand at the small of her back and the other held her hand, while she positioned her other hand on his shoulder.

“If you read my letters.. you'd know I would be back soon," he drawled, gazing at her with a lop-sided smirk, twirling her as the music played.

“But I did read your letters, you didn’t say anything about returning soon.” He then pulled her back upright to face him as they danced.

He frowned and felt a pang in his chest. She read his letters, all of them, and didn’t write back to any of them? Suddenly his playfulness shed away and he abruptly accused her.

“A-ha, so you did receive my letters!”

Penelope frowned, eyes crossing as she stared at Colin like he had a third head. She squinted, looking confused by his sudden accusation. “Yes.. I did?"

“Then why didn’t you answer me back?" He demanded. "I sent you three letters Penelope.” he was clearly annoyed. “Three," he said again.

“I- I was supposed to but I got occupied,” she murmured, blinking rapidly, still looking confused.

“With what?” he asked gruffly. What was so important that she couldn’t take time out of her day doing… What do women do nowadays besides go to balls and tea? He wasn’t sure, but he was sure she had time. He didn't even care that his tone was rude. He just wanted to know why his dearest friend Penelope did not write back to him when for years they would speak without fail. 

“What do you mean with what? With my life? Colin Bridgerton, do you really think I sit around waiting for your letters and hastily writing back?” Penelope burst out, anger pooling in her voice. She glared at Colin.

Colin didn’t answer, nor did he move that much, besides letting his feet move them to the music because he felt like it would’ve been a bad idea to even breathe. He felt like he crossed the line somehow. But even staying still he was in trouble. 

He watched as Penelope fumed. Her cheeks flushed red. She looked weirdly stunning, just a ball of fire with her red hair, her blazing eyes, and rosy cheeks, pink lips pressed together.

When did she look so sexy?

Huh. Sexy?

“Oh my god, you really do think that!” she said in disbelief. “You really do think I sit around and wait for your letters and answer them the first moment I get them!”

“No-no," he started sputtering. Or rather, yes that was exactly what he thought. 

“OOOO,” Penelope clenched her hands into a ball. Gripping his hand that was leading her to dance tightly, and her other hand was on his shoulder gripping that too. “Back in the day or rather even last year, yes I would’ve, but you have occupied my mind and heart long enough Colin Bridgerton." She hissed under her breath, her eyes looking down.

“Huh? What?” Colin heard her but did not understand what she was saying in context.

She exhaled loudly, and stopped dancing, pulling her hand away from him. She glared as she stomped up to him. She was so short that her whole height only reached his chest. She was adorable…. Until she started jabbing his chest with her index finger. "You." She jabbed his chest sharply, accenting each word as she jabbed him. 

"Are.the.most.frustrating.man.I.have.ever.met.”

"Ow-ow Penelope," he tried to move away but every time he moved backward, Penelope would move along, jabbing his chest. So instead, Colin laughed and grabbed her wrists and pulled her up against his chest so she could stop jabbing him. "Alright, alright I apologize!" He cried out.

She continued fuming, inhaling sharply, her red curls looked like dancing flames atop her head, her bosom rising up and down to the rhythm of her breathing. She looked stunning. Colin blinked, what were with his thoughts today. This was Penelope!

"I reflect on what I said and it was extremely rude. I apologize. I was just upset that you did not write back. Please don't be cross with me." He pleaded, softening his voice, still holding her wrists against his chest. 

He didn't know why the thought of Penelope being mad at him ached his heart, he couldn't bear it. They've been pleasant all of these years except the one time with his scandal years ago. But that was more on him being stubborn and not wanting to listen to her. 

Ever since though, he listened to her. They were close, in fact, Colin didn’t know who else outside of his family he wrote to more.

He watched as Penelope slowly relaxed her wrists, she sighed loudly. 

“Nevermind. You'll never understand." She mumbled under her breath, slumping against him, seemingly tired. 

"Understand what?" Colin asked quizzically. Holding her up. Penelope felt warm and soft in his arms. Had he never been this close to her to notice? "You have been talking in riddles all night Pen."

Penelope snorted, and somehow it was the cutest thing he's ever heard. "Yeah, well, you're the worst puzzle to crack as well, so forgive me if I speak in riddles tonight, Mr.Bridgerton."

Did Penelope just try to insult him? Sweet lovely Penelope was absolute fire today, where did this attitude come from? He had never seen this side of her. Always prim, proper, and polite! Sure whenever they spent time together especially at these balls they would both joke and talk about other people, namely Cressida, but this is the first time it was directed _at_ him, with _such_ passion.

He stared at her in wonder and as she relaxed, she finally peeked up at him. When their eyes met, they both suddenly burst out laughing, the tension between them slowly melting away. Her whole body shook in his arms as she laughed, and he squeezed her tighter. 

He felt strangely comfortable.

"Just what are you doing Colin?" A voice next to them hissed. Turning to his left, Penelope’s right, they saw Anthony and his wife Kate on his arm. She mouthed sorry at them. 

"If you are not dancing, release Miss Featherington at once! Everyone is looking at you!" Anthony whispered harshly. 

Colin looked up to see the ton watching both him and Penelope. They both did not realize the music had stopped and they were still on the ballroom floor, with his hands around her wrist and against his chest, so close there was no gap between their bodies.

He could hear Eloise's loud boyish laugh at the end of the room followed by the tinkling mischievous laugh of his youngest sister, Hyacinth. God, he couldn't see either of them but he damn well could feel both their presence just absolutely loving the embarrassing situation he was in.

Colin for a second did not care if anyone was staring at them; he just wanted to finish this conversation with Penelope, and he wanted to continue to hold her. She felt very inviting, warm, and soft against him. 

However, it was Penelope who pulled away, and Colin had no choice but to release her. He felt an instant chill fill the space he just held her. 

"Th-thank you Mr.Bridgerton for this dance," she said and with that, she walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I said it was going to be a short fic? Yeah, Sorry, I lied to you and myself, because it is an absolute blast writing Jealous, pining, slow on the uptake Colin. Because he deserves it, lol and Pen deserves the world!! Also, yes I weirdly like Colin's temper, I think he's pretty hot whenever he's not composed, and he usually is (unless it comes to Pen!!! <3). Thanks for the comments!


	3. Dance With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Bridgerton sibling interaction so forgive because there is plenty. Also still unbeta-ed so holler if something's up. Sorry!

The next few days were not among Penelope's best. Not only because Colin returned like a hurricane on a calm day, but on the same night, Lady Danbury decided to go on a witch hunt for the identity of Lady Whistledown.

**_Again._ **

Penelope dreaded this day would come again. The year before she debuted with Eloise to London's society, Eloise started the witch hunt with the queen! Penelope already had way too much stress and sleepless nights because of that. If Penelope counted, it would've only been 8 years since the last Lady Whistledown hunt. Couldn't she get a reprieve for at least 10 years? This was far too soon.

It was happening all over again, similar but completely different circumstances.

The Lady Whistledown witchhunt, plus getting courted for the first time, plus Colin inserting himself into her life again. Although, the first time, it was not Colin's fault. It was more her fault for falling in love with him. However, this time she deduced that she could blame Colin for taking her out of her axis. He acted so oddly the previous night, as if like a jealous boyfriend.

 _HAH! Boyfriend._ Penelope scoffed.

Colin Bridgerton? Her Boyfriend? Never in this century or the next. She learned this the hard way. She supposed his ego was probably hurt by Penelope not giving him the time of day. 

"What are you scoffing about?" her mother asked.

Penelope looked up, startled. "Huh?" she was lost in her thoughts, completely forgetting she was at the gardens having a high tea picnic with all of the Featheringtons. Other families were perched under their tents as well around the lake. 

"Penelope, you are in public, and Lord Benington is going to arrive any minute. Please sit up straight and look your best. You look absolutely frumpy when you slouch. You can not look out of sorts for just one minute, lest the Lord sees you at your worst. It is not hard to do." her mother said, fanning herself.

Ouch, Penelope sat up upright, straightening her dress. Her mother was always so harsh, but she was right. Penelope knew she wasn't that attractive. She was trained to think she was at the bottom of the social class in terms of looks and personality. She knew this, but every time she felt like burying herself in a hole, she reminded herself that everyone in this society bought her paper, _hers!_ The ton made her rich, and she reveled in it. 

"You look stunning today, Miss Penelope Featherington!" Nathaniel arrived, smiling widely at her. Penelope smiled. 

"Mr. Benington," she greeted. 

"Mr. Benington!" Lady Featherington squawked. Penelope sighed. She preferred spending time with Nathaniel without her family. 

She gave him an apologetic smile while he was being swarmed by all the Featherington's except Penelope and Felicity. Penelope didn't understand why her two older sisters, their husbands, and her mother love making things embarrassing for them. Felicity, her youngest sister, was the only one who understood as her sister patted her arm.

"I apologize, everyone. I am here to speak to Miss Featherington."

Penelope looked up at him and beamed. He was such a good person, she thought. How did she get so lucky? She asked herself this every day ever since they met. Maybe the Heavens decided to bless her for all those years of unrequited love with Colin Bridgerton. 

Yes, this was definitely it. 

"Of course! Everyone! Please do not suffocate our guest like this." Lady Featherington herded everyone away from Nathaniel.

"Shall we promenade?" he asked, jutting out his arm so she could put her arm through his, his eyes twinkling. 

"We shall." Maybe with Nathaniel, her stress and worries would fade away, and she can forget about everything.

* * *

April was usually a spectacular month to be home, but it was quite strange really, because Colin felt absolutely under the weather. Not sick, per se. He just felt like a cloud was following him at every turn. He hadn't spoken to Penelope since the party at his sisters', and being home, as much as he loved it, reminded him of how much he didn't have.

Today he was at the Bridgerton home. He loved it here because he grew up in this house, but now it belonged to his older brother; this was Anthony's legacy. Within the room he was in, the social family room, he was also reminded of Benedict's legacy; his paintings were hanging on the wall. Both his brothers were accomplished; he was not. 

Colin looked around the room. He had nothing in this room. He sighed, standing by the large floor to ceiling window, gazing outside. 

"Why are you so gloomy, Colin?" Eloise asked, strolling into the room, dropping onto the chaise, opening a box of chocolates. "You look such a bore staring out the window. You remind me of Anthony when he is deep in thought. Ew."

"Watch how you speak about me, Eloise," Anthony warned, walking into the room with Benedict. He was carrying a glass of brandy, handing it over to Colin. 

"Just feeling under the weather is all," Colin answered his sister.

"Under the weather?" his mother entered the room with Hyacinth, marching up towards him, placing the back of her left hand on his forehead. "Then it's lucky you returned home now. I would hate if you were sick and away from home."

"I am not _that_ sick mother, just lethargic."

"Is this your way of getting out of the Promenade?" she questioned, raising a brow. Colin knew his mother could smell her children lying from miles away. 

"No, I am not, although I do not deny I do not want to go. I've no interest in getting married or interested in anyone at all, for now, Mother." Colin had this conversation with his mother each time he saw her. It was getting tiring. He gave an exasperated look to his two brothers, who were smirking at him.

"Is that so? You looked particularly interested the other day with Penelope Featherington," his mother said coyly. It was no surprise that his mother had tried this route of him and Penelope, ever since he was born actually. It was how he started dancing with her every season.

"Mother!" His older brothers exclaimed.

"Oh what?"

"She is being courted!" Anthony said, shocked she could be suggesting such a thing, causing Colin to laugh quietly. 

"You know being courted doesn't mean married." Eloise chipped in, tossing chocolate in her mouth.

"You would know, Eloise, for someone who has never been courted," Benedict teased.

"By choice," Eloise shot back. Colin chuckled. He had to respect his sister for sticking to her beliefs or lack thereof. She had been asked by plenty of men to be courted, but no was always her answer. He wondered if he was more solid on his stance; maybe his mother would leave him alone because Eloise seemed to slide by pretty easily.

"Alright, children, stop!" Violet raised her hands. "We are _all_ going to show face at the gardens and promenade as a family - it would be nice to get some fresh air."

And that was that, when Violet Bridgerton wanted to socialize, everyone was expected to do the same. So Colin found himself at the gardens, promenading. 

He had to battle with Benedict on who got to promenade with Eloise as neither wanted to talk to anyone. If one of them had Eloise on their arm, that suggests they had fewer chances of getting intercepted by the eager mamas trying to marry their daughter off to them. They didn't want to take a chance of being vulnerable in the garden without Eloise on their arm. So they played rock, paper, scissors. 

Colin won. With a snigger, he shrugged at his brother, "Better luck next time." before basically sprinting to Eloise's side, stretching his arm out so she could wrap it around his. He looked back to see already a few ladies swarming towards Benedict. 

"You won, huh?" Eloise grinned. She knew all about her brothers playing games to see who was worthy of walking with her. Colin grinned and nodded. He caught up and chatted with Eloise, and it was pleasant until he saw a familiar redhead across the pond, strolling with the same man she danced with a few days ago. His jaw clenched, trying to understand the sight. 

In all the years he'd been in society, the seasons he didn't travel, he had never seen someone walk with Penelope besides him or Eloise, and he felt really agitated by that.

"I don't like him." Eloise suddenly declared. Colin snapped his head to stare at her.

"Who?"

"Lord Nathaniel Benington, is that not who you were looking at?"

Colin disliked that he was obvious, but he was interested in what she had to say. Did she have gossip for him? 

"Oh? Why?" he asked curiously. Eloise is Penelope's best friend, so maybe Eloise could tell him something Penelope might've said? He waited with bated breath for her reply.

"Because he's taking my best friend away from me," Eloise stated. Colin frowned; this was not what he expected, but he was more curious in what Eloise had to say even more now.

"He's a very nice person, lovely to Penelope," she continued. "But I hate that he's taking her away from me, and I will be a spinster by myself. I was hoping Penelope and I could be spinsters together, laughing at the ton and such, but…" she glanced up across the pond at Penelope.

"Eloise, that's…" he wanted to say silly, but he didn't think it was. He didn't want Penelope to be with anyone either. He frowned; he did not like that he shared that sentiment with Eloise. Did he want her to stay a spinster? He had no idea what he was thinking.

" Penelope wants to get married, and I do not want to be pressed into society like that, so I guess it was an unreachable dream. I'll be all alone." Eloise lamented sadly. Colin didn't realize Eloise thought like that; he always thought she was just immature and wanted to defy their mother. In some way, Colin understood Eloise.

"It is alright to feel like this. You're a different type of person, and so is Penelope," Colin assured her. 

"I know... but I can't help but feel this way." Eloise looked up at him. "You feel like that too, don't you?"

"What do you mean?" he was taken aback at what she said. 

"That's why you're so gloomy too, are you not? You feel the same way I do. Penelope is dear to both of us, is she not?" she asked, tilting her head. 

Colin blinked, registering what Eloise was saying. "Y...Yes, I think so. She's a very dear friend. But we're out of sorts currently. There is a tension, I feel, from the last time we spoke."

Eloise hummed and nodded. "You probably had not accepted it yet because you only found out when you returned. I've accepted it because I have to see them at every social event and listen to Penelope talk about him."

"Accepted what?" Colin was puzzled. 

"Think about it this way, if it was maybe akin to me, not telling you I was being courted by someone, even though you are my brother..If I had not told you, how would you feel?"

"Angry." He answered without hesitation.

"Yes." Did Eloise just crack his uneasiness for him? Colin thought she was wise beyond her years. 

Clearly, there was a strain in the air with Penelope, and until now, he had no idea why. He was cross with her for not writing back to him, but thanks to Eloise, he understood it because she didn't tell him about this new person courting her. He was very sure if she talked to him about it, he would be less hurt about it. 

"You are probably correct," Colin agreed. "I'll speak to her and try to get to know this… Nathaniel Benington."

"I guess we should if he were to be in our dear Penelope's life," Eloise said with a hint of objection in her voice. 

Somehow this realization with Eloise didn't make him feel any better. In fact, he felt even more restless than before.

Colin did not feel any better the next day. In fact, he was expected at Number Five for breakfast but missed that, which in his mother's eyes was blasphemy. But half a day away from his family was all he could muster while he was in London. There was no escaping the Bridgerton family, so he headed over to his mother's house for high tea. The bright sun was deceiving that day when he left his bachelor lodging, as it started to drizzle, but he had no desire to grab an umbrella and headed over. His feelings were as gloomy as the weather, bright on the outside, absolutely damp inside.

He was worried about his legacy, in which he had none, and he had issues with Penelope. He felt like if he could clear one problem: Penelope, he would feel better about figuring out his life. But he sighed aloud, not knowing when he would get a chance to speak to her again. It was challenging because the once lone Penelope now was always occupied. It was so frustrating. So very frustrating. He stomped on the wet grass, not caring if the soles of his shoes were squishy.

He really wished something could go his way today. And just like that, the Heavens opened up, dumped more drizzle on him, and gave him the opportunity. 

There she was, on the way to Number Five, was Penelope Featherington, in a flowery dress, with a bright yellow parasol and yellow boots skipping and jumping on wet grass.

She skipped and landed in a puddle, water splashing everywhere, giggling happily. His chest started beating rapidly, and he had to press a hand to his chest. 

She took another step and twirled on the grass, her dress floating in the air, her parasol looking bright like the sun. She was dancing in the rain, not a care in the world. He's never seen her like that before. In fact, he's always wanted to dance in the rain with no care in the world, and here Penelope was, doing it.

She started singing, skipping from puddle to puddle. At times twirling the parasol away from her so droplets of rain could fall on her face as she faced upwards to the sky. 

He's never seen someone so free, playful, and serene. 

She looked absolutely breathtakingly stunning. Colin's breathing quickened and a lump developed in his throat.

He found himself sauntering up to her, mesmerized by her movements. His desire to move closer to her increased. He moved towards her just in time because a step she took made her skid, and she didn't halt quite fast enough and fell backward.

But he caught her before she could fall, and he didn't feel like letting her go.

* * *

Penelope shut her eyes and saw her life flash when she slipped on the wet grass, bracing for impact. 

Silly Penelope, this is why you don't dance in the rain! She was more worried about going home wet and dirty than she was going to the Bridgerton's looking like this. Her mother was going to be furious.

However, the pain never came. She opened her eyes only to look at a pair of gorgeous but familiar green eyes. For a moment, she was captivated by those eyes, as if in a dream until she realized who it was. Her eyes widened, her mouth falling open.

"Colin!" she squealed, propelling herself away from him. "What are you doing here?" she stammered, obviously in shock.

_It was him! Of course, it had to be him._

"Are you alright?" Colin asked, his eyes searching hers, concerned.

"Yes, oh dear, Clumsy Penelope, as usual," she said playfully, "Thanks, sir, for catching me."

"Always," he remarked with a soft smile. Penelope felt her heart race. Don't do this Penelope, he's just nice as always. She felt herself blush and she cursed how easy it was for Colin to elicit a reaction from her. 

He just said one word Penelope, good god.

"Were you... dancing Miss Featherington?" Colin asked coyly. 

"You are mistaken," she responded, keeping a straight face, but a smile was threatening to come out. 

"Could've sworn I saw you dancing," he said playfully, his eyes glinting mischievously. "I would've felt compelled to partner you as I never danced in the rain."

"Pity, it is rather enjoyable," she murmured, which caused Colin to break out into laughter.

Colin extended his hand out, standing in a perfect waltz position.

"Dance with me?"

Penelope shook her head. "Definitely not, Mr. Bridgerton, in the rain! And you don't have an umbrella! You're getting drenched."

"The longer we stay out here, the wetter I get, Miss Featherington, so I would appreciate it if you took my hand to dance."

Penelope was trembling, holding in her laughter. Watching Colin stand in the rain, mannequin-like was such a delightful sight; maybe she would let him stand there for a few more minutes. It was like a standoff, Penelope under her umbrella and Colin across from her, hand extended.

They both looked at each other, neither moving. Just two people standing in the rain.

Penelope was the one who broke, and laughed, stretching her hand out to place hers on his. His cold hands gripped her. 

"Colin! You're freezing!" She shrieked, moving closer to him, so he was underneath her umbrella. Since he was so tall, she had to tiptoe. It was a funny sight that made her giggle. Her parasol was basically resting on his head.

"I miss you, Penelope," Colin suddenly said in a soft voice. Penelope gazed up into his green eyes.

A mistake. She felt her heart race again. Penelope knew she had a terrible habit of reading into people's conversations, especially Colin's. She'd been doing it for years, and for years what she interpreted were all false. This time around was no different.

"Colin we just saw each other a few days ago," she said nonchalantly.

"Yes, but it was odd, and I feel better just talking to you like this, like normal." He paused staring at her. Penelope needed him to stop staring at her because she was going to melt if he didn't.

Colin's eyes softened. He reached out to brush a curl out of her face. "You look great."   
  
Penelope flushed red, her whole body heating up. 

"So we're alright?" he asked in a soft voice, his eyes almost pleading.

Penelope let out a long exhale, mostly because she was trying to get air back into her. Her heart didn't stop throbbing against her chest since she saw Colin.

"I feel like we're always alright," she responded softly.

"Perfect!" he squeezed her hand, his expression brightening. God, how was he so handsome, even in the rain? Penelope could never deny that he was good looking.

They continued to chat, like normal, walked towards Number Five, and Penelope felt well. When they arrived at his mother's, they walked straight into the dining room, where Violet always had tea and sandwiches. Penelope was famished and had hoped Violet knew Colin was coming because Colin's appetite was beyond reasonable. However, today there was an extra person.

"Penelope!"

"Mr.Benington?" Penelope was shocked to see Nathaniel there. Happy, but also shocked. What was he doing at the Number Five at high tea?

"Ah this is my third son! Colin Bridgerton," Violet broadcasted. She motioned for Colin to come to the table. He didn't move.

"Pardon?" Colin frowned, looking confused, looking back and forth between his mother and Nathaniel. 

"Oh Yes! Colin. Your mother invited me!" Nathaniel greeted, standing up, extending out his hand to shake Colin's.

Colin did not take it, nor did he say a word. He just stared at Nathaniel like he was a transient.

Penelope instantly felt a chill; she noticed Colin's demeanor change. It was not hard to isolate because just a minute ago, he was cheerful and happy, now his jaw was hard, and he didn't have a skip to his step. He wasn't playful, and she didn't like that. 

She knew he was very protective of family traditions, as were all the Bridgertons, but the air around them grew chilly, and it wasn't because of the rain. 

Penelope didn't know she held her breath until she hurried towards Nathaniel, grabbing his hand, so it didn't look uncomfortable that the two men were awkwardly standing there.

"Lady Bridgerton asked you to come to Number Five for high tea?" she quickly asked.

"Yes Dearest!" Violet stood up and took Penelope into an embrace. "Oh dear, you are wet." She looked at Penelope and Colin. "You both are, oh my."

"That's peculiar, high tea at mothers is, well, an intimate gathering, family only," Colin finally spoke, emphasizing the words family and only. Now he was glaring at Nathaniel. 

Penelope gawked at him. Was he trying to be rude? Or is he just protective of high tea at the Number Five? She wasn't sure, all she knew was that she did not like this change in behavior. 

"Ah yes! And Penelope is like family, is she not?" Nathaniel queried. He looked at Colin. Penelope noticed Nathaniel stood taller and gripped her hand tighter. 

Penelope also could've sworn Colin's lips twitched, but it was probably her imagination.

"I actually came upon your mother at the market. She invited me to tea to get to know me better. Since Penelope is like a daughter to her," he explained to Colin, then giving a smile to Penelope. Penelope couldn't help but smile back, not because Nathaniel smiled at her but because she loved that she was regarded as family to the Bridgertons. 

She always felt more at home with the Bridgerton than she did with her own family. "That's so sweet of Lady Bridgerton."

"With the way she comes over so often? She's a sister almost," Eloise spoke as she entered the room. "Hello, Penelope! Hello Colin! I did not expect you to join us! I have to tell them to get more food!"

"Don't bother, I'm not participating," Colin snapped abruptly. 

"Colin! Do not be rude!" Violet stifled him. "You missed breakfast as well! Have you eaten? Join us."

"I apologize, mother, but I do not have the appetite today," he stated.

"The day Colin Bridgerton denies food is the day the world ends!" Eloise in feigning a fake faint. 

Colin shot his sister a scowl before giving his mother a shallow bow as an apology. He turned to Penelope, avoiding eye contact with her, and with a voice dripping with disdain, he said, "Good day Miss Featherington." 

With that, he abruptly walked out, not acknowledging Nathaniel at all. Penelope felt a painful tightness in her throat. Her chest hurt. 

She thought she would enjoy high tea with the Bridgertons. But the whole time, she was analyzing Colin's behavior. The way Colin's behavior switched in a span of a few minutes was bewildering. He was never silent, nor rude, and he never turned down food.

She felt so uneasy because she was exasperated at herself that Colin still affected her mood like this. She shouldn't care why Colin was upset, but she did. 

Maybe if Nathaniel Benington asked her to marry him, this weird feeling between her and Colin would go away. 

She hoped. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love mixing books and TV. One of my FAVORITE moments in the book was when Penelope was dancing in the rain in her boots and umbrella, and Colin bumped into her, I wanted his POV during that time he saw it and inserted it. I really thought it was one of their best moments.
> 
> Again, thanks for the comments, I love hearing what you think and chatting with you about it because I am obsessed with these two!


	4. Feelings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all this fic is now turning M starting from this chapter, a heads up! Enjoy!

It was a week later, and Penelope hadn't come across Colin. She presumed it was for the best because she didn't know how to act around him after that strange day at his mother's. Twice now, Colin acted out of sorts. She decided to leave it be, and it wasn't like Colin was looking for her either to atone for his behavior. In fact, she had no choice but to forgive him because Violet Bridgerton was the one to apologize on behalf of her son at the end of tea last week. 

"Penelope, I do not know what came over my son, but do apologize to the Baron for me," Violet said, catching Penelope before she could leave. "I do like him, a very good man he is but..." She stopped, as if to say something contradictory but she just repeated herself. "He is a good man."

Strange, Penelope thought but brushed it off. "Oh, please do not worry. Colin is probably under the weather. He was stuck under the rain without protection," Penelope smiled, giving Colin an excuse.

Violet Bridgerton looked at her as if studying her. Penelope blinked back, a smile on her face. 

"He has been under the weather since he returned. Who knows what kind of sickness. Probably a sickness that has been building for many years." Violet replied, deep in thought. 

Penelope's eyes widened, alarmed. Was Colin suffering from something she didn't notice before? Was it a secret? Was he dying? Penelope started to feel a sense of dread, and it definitely presented on her face because Violet swiftly laughed.

"Oh dear, heavens, no, no, that escaped my lips prematurely!" Violet laughed. "No dear, not that kind of sickness. I think he is perfectly healthy, just…" Violet trailed off, her mouth tugging in a light-hearted smile. "Do not worry your pretty little redhead about it. Oh, I should let you go!"

Penelope recollected Violet was cryptic that day, but thanks to how much more unusual Colin was, she didn't read too much into it. She had other things to worry about, which was her courtship - well, her only courtship - with Lord Benington and the fact people were still trying to uncover Lady Whistledown's identity thanks to Lady Danbury's 1000 pound bounty. Surprisingly, Eloise did minimal participation in unveiling Lady Whistledown this time around. Eloise was the one that was responsible for saving her identity the first time. She quietly thanked her best friend for that. 

However, Penelope had dropped off her last article as Lady Whistledown to her publisher yesterday night - she was going to end Lady Whistledown once and for all. It seemed like a good time to do so. She was probably going to get married soon (she hoped), and she did not want anyone, especially her possible husband, to be ruined along with her if anyone were to find out she was Whistledown. However, she was careful. If she could evade being found out the first time and remained for another 8 years, she doubted she would be caught this time. This time tomorrow Lady Whistledown will be no more.

Speaking of best friend, Eloise and her were supposed to go shopping today in town, but when she arrived at the Bridgerton house, Eloise was still out with her family. She decided to wait in the usual "waiting parlour", which was usually upstairs. 

There she found a leather-bound book. Why was it on the table? Was someone reading it? She opened it, and her eyes widened. She knew the handwriting well. This was Colin's book. Curiosity got the better of her, and she couldn't help but peruse through his book, feeling guilty she was doing it but utterly enthralled by the writing. She already knew he had talent in writing through their letters, but this was on a different level.

"Penelope, what are you doing?!"

Of course, such was her luck _a_ Bridgerton was home. It was _the_ Bridgerton she dreaded to see.

Colin stomped his way towards her and snatched the book out of her hands, and proceeded to argue about privacy and what she was doing there. Surprisingly, they just argued normally about the situation as if the last two unusual encounters were just that, unusual.

"Colin, I'm sorry for invading your privacy, but the book was just sitting out here in the open. However, I am not going to apologize for reading it. What I've just read is splendid. Also, I've seen your writing before." Penelope insisted.

Colin scowled. "When? This is personal unless you've been going through my things.." his voice sounding accusatory.

"Colin, please, you hurt me. I meant your letters to me! That's writing," she said, a little hurt that he would think she'd go through his things. 

"Those were just letters."

"They were beautiful letters. Oh Colin, I purposely begged you to elaborate in every letter because I love your writing!" Penelope asserted. 

Colin looked like he would argue, but something flashed across his face, and he shut his mouth as if an idea struck him. He eyed Penelope, looking suddenly very uncertain. 

"Pen, If I show you more of my writing, will you.. Will you tell me what you think? Your true honest opinion," Colin said, nervously bending his journal in his hands.

Penelope's heart leaped. She was excited that Colin didn't decide to fight with her but instead ask for her opinion. She was overjoyed to give it because Penelope was a writer, and she knew she was a damn good one. No one ever asked her opinion on writing because no one knew she wrote, therefore this was such an opportunity. 

"Colin, how dare you even ask. May I?" She asked politely, taking his book from his hands.

"You've already opened it without my permission. Let us not pretend to be polite now." Colin crowed, a playful smirk spreading across his face.

Penelope turned red, blushing in embarrassment. Colin had a point. She opened his book, took a seat in one of the chairs, and continued reading when she left off. She could hear Colin started to tap his foot nervously when she started, and she was also aware of his breath on her neck as she was reading.

"Colin, stop hovering." Colin jumped backward, and Penelope had to stifle a peal of laughter. Colin's and her relationship was so odd, but she was so delighted they could return to normal so effortlessly. All her anxieties about what difficulties she had with him faded so quickly. 

She returned to reading his journal. She read a few pages before giving the rest a quick flip. If she had the time and no eager Bridgerton anxiously peering over her shoulder, she would've continued reading.

Penelope bit her lower lip; she had to suggest it. She knew how it was, the feeling of talent being unknown and stifled. Colin was skilled. She could tell he was a writer. She was amazed he didn't realize it first.

Colin continued tapping his foot restlessly. "You're not saying anything," he said nervously. Penelope glanced up at him.

"You can publish these," she said seriously, skipping straight to the subject.

Colin grimaced. "Are you mad?" he stared at Penelope like she grew two heads. 

"No, I am thoroughly serious. These are… marvelous, Colin. I'd read a whole book on this. You need to publish your writings. With a little proofreading by someone, this will be excellent."

"Penelope, it's extremely challenging just to write. Do you even acknowledge what it takes to be published?" he asked her positively vexed.

_Yes, I do._

Penelope stopped breathing for a second. She wasn't sure if she said that out loud or she spoke it in her head. She glanced over at Colin, who was scrunching his face, exasperated with hands on his hips, but he didn't look too shocked or anything. She hoped nothing came across her to give her away. 

"Va..vaguely," Penelope replied.

However, Colin wasn't really listening anymore, he looked deep in thought. She breathed a sigh of relief. 

"No, it's too difficult." he shook his head. Penelope got annoyed at him pretty quickly. She was surprised that Colin was not jumping over the moon about the prospect that he could sell a book on this. It was easier for him to do it than for her to do it.

"Colin Bridgerton. You are a man and a privileged one. While you have valid reasons for complaints, this you can do," Penelope huffed. "You just have to try."

Colin looked like he wanted to protest again but bit his tongue, and Penelope smirked, hoping she won this one. She was right! Colin was a Bridgerton and a man! He could do whatsoever he wanted, and he did whatsoever he desired. So she was surprised he was hesitant about this.

"Do you think I can write?" He suddenly asked, voice small, searching for acceptance. Penelope was taken aback because she always presumed Colin was extremely confident, but here he asked for her input. Was he insecure about his own writing? Penelope deduced that was probably it. She didn't think her input was important to him but she was glad to give it to him. 

"I have undeniable confidence in you. Your letters were so mesmerizing, and now your book, heavens Colin, you're a fantastic writer. Trust me. I know a writer." She giggled.

_Because I am one._

"Thank you, Penelope, I don't know why…you make me feel better," he said softly, his eyes glowing. "I have to think about what you just told me. It's a revelation I never thought I'd entertain because writing was just a hobby for me."

"Oh, Colin, you don't need my opinion. You're a great writer." Penelope said shyly. 

"You are wrong." Colin walked up to her and grabbed her arms, squeezing them lightly. "Stop selling yourself short, Penelope. If anything, to me, your opinion is most important," assuring her.

They stood remarkably close. Penelope started to feel her body heat increase, skin flushing pink when his grip on her arms tightened. She noticed Colin was looking at her in a way she'd never seen before, so she couldn't pin what that look was. All she knew was that she wanted him to continue to look at her like that. It made her feel seen, _wanted_. Her throat closed up as her heart raced, it beated so thunderously against her chest she feared he might've heard it. His eyes then dropped to her lips.

Was he going to kiss her? She silently laughed to herself in her head because that was just her childish fantasy coming back to haunt her. Colin would never want her like that. It was more false hope; she was sure of it.

"Colin?" she stammered.

Suddenly, Colin drew her against him and kissed her.

* * *

Colin did not expect to see Penelope at all today, he purposely avoided her for a week, and when he found her in the Bridgerton study, he was caught off guard. Even more so when he found out she was holding his book. At first, anger bubbled inside him for his privacy was being invaded; the next feeling he felt was embarrassment because he was uneasy about someone else reading his writing - he didn't grasp why but he never liked sharing his notes.

After arguing with Penelope, the next feeling he felt was hope, realizing that his hobby, something he enjoyed, could be something noteworthy in his life. With that comforting feeling, he also wanted Penelope's approval as well. She was the only one who read his book, and he knew she read a lot; therefore, he trusted what she had to say. The more she praised him, the more his heart soared, and the prospects of his future brightened. For a long time now, he quietly sulked at the fact he didn't have a talent, but here Penelope was, telling him he possessed a skill.

The last feeling he felt was the overwhelming sense to kiss Penelope Featherington.

He, Colin Bridgerton, wanted to kiss Penelope Featherington so severely it ached. His sister's best friend, _his_ best friend. He grew up with this girl and had no romantic feelings for her - but here he was, wanting to clutch her and claim her. 

As he held her close, he examined her face,and he truly saw her. The past few weeks since he returned, he's been noticing that Penelope looked more and more wonderful. Little things that he noticed about her throughout the years he knew her were heightened. She looked striking, with her cheeks a shade of crimson red, her hair like mesmerizing flames on her head, her lips so pink and soft, her eyes large and prominent.

And their conversations, God, he loved their conversations. In every party, she saved him from eager mamas and vulture daughters, and he'd end up having a great conversation with her. If he truly thought about it he spoke the most to Penelope.

When did his perception of her change? He didn't know. All he felt was the intense need to feel Penelope in his arms and kiss her. 

And kiss her, he did. 

Colin was touted in town, according to Lady Whistledown, as the suave charismatic man that roamed the town. He, too, started to believe it believe it and thought he would've given Penelope some sort of Casanova words before he kissed her, but the desire was so intense he had no words. 

Once he felt Penelope's body heat and her lips against his, so soft, warm and inviting, Colin just yielded. He was lost in Penelope's scent; his lips touched hers, soft at first as not to scare her. This had to be her first kiss, and somehow he reveled in that fact. or rather, he hoped he was Penelope's first kiss. If he wasn't... he groaned, the thought irritated him, and he quelled it by pressing her lush body against his, increasing his pressure against her lips, tasting them, slowly parting them. His hands roamed down her arms to her curvy waist, where he lingered for a moment, running his tongue against her lips, getting her to part them completely.

"Colin, no, we can't," Penelope murmured against his lips but made no effort to pull back. So Colin took the opportunity to softly invade her parted mouth with his tongue, splaying his hand behind her back, increasing the intensity of the kiss. 

She moaned against him, a delightful sound escapes her, a sound he'ss never heard from her before, and it quickened his pulse. He moved his hands down her waist to her hips, feeling how lush she was. He could feel her heat, he could feel her getting as aroused as he was.

It was undeniably dangerous.

"Colin." Penelope tried again. This time she placed both her hands on his chest, pushing back from him. Colin moved his hands to the small of her back, keeping her close to him. He gazed down at her, her face bright red, her lips were delightfully swollen from his kiss, it made Colin want to kiss her again, but a word she said snapped his mood from passion into anger.

"Nathaniel," she breathed. Colin's hands on her hips stiffened before releasing her. His lips flattened and he curled his hands into a fist.

"Forget about Nathaniel! He hasn't asked you for your hand in marriage. What does it matter? You are only being courted. You have no obligation to him." Colin growled. The moment he said that he instantly regretted it, but he couldn't stop himself. It was a mistake because the atmosphere felt like a box of horrors just opened.

Penelope's eyes widened, her eyes, once soft, now darkened and her lips pursed in anger.

"What is your grievance with him? He is a good man, Colin! And he… he likes me." She was so furious. Her voice quivered as she moved away from him. 

"Is he good enough for you?" he demanded an answer. 

Penelope scowled, confounded by his questions.

"Surely this is a trick question. He is more than enough for me. He is a Lord; he is handsome and nice and kind. Most importantly, he talks to me as if I exist. He is interested in me. No one was ever interested in me. Who else?" she glowered at him. Surprised he would even be asking such stupid questions. "You?!"

Colin paused. He said nothing, not because it wasn't true, but it could be possible it was true. Was he talking about himself, being good enough for her? His brain was shrouded with anger that he had to take a moment to calm down and think about it. The silence was deafening as he continued to wrack his brain, did he like Penelope? Did he instead want to court her? Was that what this is all about? He was so caught up with how abruptly their relationship changed, he didn't stop to comprehend what was transpiring. 

He was blinking rapidly, trying to think about this as quickly as possible, but his momentary pause was all it took.

He looked at Penelope, and his heart squeezed.The shock and hurt evident on Penelope's face stung him more than anything he's felt before. And yet, he's seen that look before. Where had he seen this look?

Reflections of moments throughout his and Penelope's life flashed in his head.

It was the same pained look she gave him when he said to his brothers he wouldn't marry Penelope; it was also the same look she gave him when he told her he was leaving for Greece, when he asked for Marina's hand in marriage, and when he refused to listen to her about Marina. He's seen this look so many times on her face but never acknowledged or pieced it together before, until now.

"I thought so," her voice quivered, her face fell. 

"Oh God, Pen I didn't mean it like that," Colin started, a feeling of immense dread building in his being. "You didn't give me time to think, I-,"Penelope wasn't going to let him explain himself. She raised her hand up to plead for him to stop talking.

"No, Colin. I have _finally_ found someone who _wants_ to dance with me. Without being coerced by their _mother_." she stressed. That pricked Colin.

"I was never coerced," he shook his head. "I admit it started like that, but it.. you-just became essential to me, it became a habit to dance with you. I enjoyed it. I enjoy you."

"I am not a puppy, Colin! I am not a habit. I have possibly found someone else who enjoys my company as well. Someone who wants to be with me. Not out of pity -"

"I never pitied you; you're a dear dear friend." Colin said emphatically, offended by what she said, but also the word "friend" sounded awfully wrong considering what just happened. 

Penelope burst out, irritated by Colin. "And I thought as a dear friend you would be happy for me! Why are you trying to interfere with my chances at happiness? Aren't you happy for me to find someone and not be a spinster? Don't you want me to be happy?"

"I'll never be happy for you," Colin snapped before he could even stop himself. He knew he had a tendency to just react without thinking, and these were one of those times he wished he didn't say anything. He didn't know why such awful words came out of his mouth, and again, for the 5th time that day, he regretted and was ashamed that he said something that hurt her. 

"Well, I suppose we've made that abundantly clear then," Penelope responded coldly. 

"Penelope, no, that did not come out properly. I apologize -," Colin started to panic again, grabbing her arm as she moved towards the door. He felt like there were plenty of lines were crossed today, more so than the others. He felt her slipping away, and he was terrified of that.

She snatched her arm away from him, as her other hand covered the area he just grabbed, as if it stung her to be touched by him. 

"Goodbye Colin, I would rather we not speak or acknowledge each other again as apparently we are not friends, then we are nothing." She said, her voice trembling, as if in between anger and crying. 

"No- no, Penelope," Colin went after her. "This is all a mistake-," His voice swelled with distress. 

"PENELOPE!" He shouted, but she was already out the door, slamming it in his face. He threw his book that he was holding against the door that Pen left through. What the hell had he done?

He was clearly not a friend because a friend wouldn't do this. He didn't want to lose her, but every move he made, made it worst. 

He didn't get a moment's reprieve with his thoughts because not too long after, Benedict and Eloise barged in the parlour.

These two were attached at the hip, and he groaned tiredly seeing them both. However, he'd rather these two than Anthony, he could not handle Anthony right now. 

"What happened? Penelope left withouts saying a word, we were supposed to shop today. You were the only one here, what did you do?" Eloise accused. Colin was too ashamed to look at her or Benedict. He just went to the nearest chair and sank into it. 

"What did you do, Colin?" Benedict asked in a firm voice.

Colin was not going to tell his siblings that he kissed Penelope, for that would ruin her and him. This was a secret between him and Penelope, he was not going to say a word.

"Nothing, we just had a slight disagreement," Colin replied, trying to get them off his back.

"You have been the most terrible lout to her ever since you returned. Colin, get yourself sorted before you speak to Penelope again." Eloise boiled, disappointed in her brother. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a friend to attend to." 

Colin was thankful that one sibling went away, but he had to deal with another. Benedict leaned against the door, eyeing his brother. Colin could feel his brother's eyes boring into him. 

"You must understand, our little sister is correct. You are acting like a jealous suitor, and how shocking," Benedict put a hand to his chest, feigning shock. "Because you are _definitely_ not a suitor. I told you not to inconvenience Miss Featherington unless you have other intentions, dear brother. And somehow I do not know if you figured it out yet," he mocked.

"Figure out what? In fact, nevermind." Colin had no strength left in him to argue. If he argued, Benedict could piece together what happened, if he didn't, maybe it could be left unsaid.

What happened between him and Penelope was between the two of them. He still had to sort out his feelings and talk to Penelope again. He needed to make it right with her, somehow.

Benedict sighed aloud. "You are the densest and most stupid man I've ever met, and we're related to Anthony."

"What does that mean?" Colin demanded, then he sighed and slumped back into the chair, laying an arm over his eyes. He didn't see Benedict leave but he heard his brother close the door behind him.

In an empty room he said to absolutely no one but himself.

"I don't know what to do."

He had no idea what he was doing anymore; he just reacted whenever it came to Penelope. 

He had to see her soon, and fix this, fix them. He hated himself, and he had never hated himself more until today.

He felt like his life was over if he didn't see Penelope, and soon..

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if this is obvious but I am clearly salty about Marina still, LOL, not gonna let Colin live it down, like, ever. It'll be obvious in the next chapters too. 
> 
> This is another thing I find important about POLIN is the fact that Penelope was the one who encouraged and made Colin realize his talent, and made him find his legacy. Such a pivotal moment for the two of them. It's def one of the many reasons Colin loved her. (And why I love them 😭)
> 
> Also thank you so much for the comments and screaming, and sharing this self-indulgent feeling with me, lol.


	5. Lady Whistledown's Unrequited Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This goes from 0-100 pretty quickly. Enjoy! Also, I started a series, only because I'm going to be dropping "E" fics related to this there!

_Dearest Readers,_

_Lady Whistledown is no more! Although while Lady Danbury's hunt was a catalyst, one can not put all the blame on the countess. I have grown weary, less fulfilled to write, passion dampened. Therefore, after many years, I bid you au revoir!_

_Lady Whistledown Society Papers_

_25 May 19xx_

If Penelope hadn't wasted her tears over Colin Bridgerton, she would've wept seeing her own article being published. She was putting her entire life to rest, to sleep. While bittersweet, Penelope was grateful for the fact she ended Lady Whistledown before her row with Colin. She couldn't bear to write anything after that. She also couldn't stop thinking about Colin's lips on hers, scorching her to the core. She shuddered as flashes of yesterday kept playing in her mind. She couldn't believe it. After 10+ years, when she was over 20 years of age, on a random May Day, she finally kissed Colin Bridgerton.

"You look distant, Miss Featherington. Are we boring you?" Lady Danbury crooned, leaning on her cane. Penelope forgot her place. She was sitting at Lady Danbury's table alongside the Baron, at the Countesses's tea party that weekend.

"I am so very sorry, Lady Danbury! I was lost in thoughts."

Lady Danbury narrowed her eyes at Penelope and tsked. Penelope gave her a sheepish smile, hoping she did not offend her. She and Lady Danbury had a fascinating and close relationship. Penelope always thought Lady Danbury was far too intelligent for the ton, and Lady Danbury thought the same of her. 

"I do not like empty vessels," Lady Danbury once told Penelope long ago. "But you, my dear, have more than half a brain than most of society!"

Today, the entire party was shocked by the news that Lady Whistledown is no more. It was all London could talk about. However, Lady Danbury wasn't as interested in Lady Whistledown's disappearance as much as everyone else.

Today, she was transfixed on Penelope and her new suitor, and that in itself was dangerous. Lady Danbury was known to snoop.

"When are you going to marry Miss Featherington, Baron," Lady Danbury asked abruptly; she was not ashamed to speak her mind or embarrass people. Penelope gasped, but the Baron just laughed.

"Lady Danbury, please," Penelope groaned, flustered.

"When Miss Featherington is comfortable with me, "Nathaniel said, glancing over at Penelope, who blushed. "So, maybe in due time, when she's more open with me?"

Penelope swallowed. Oh my god, he was actually going to ask one day?

"A-ha, so she's withholding on you, I see."

"Lady Danbury!" Penelope exclaimed. 

Lady Danbury rolled her eyes and smirked. "Mr. Benington, my nephew, is calling you over there."

"Simon?" Nathaniel looked over to the Duke of Hastings, who was talking happily with his wife. "He does not look like he was calling-"

"Yes, he did, Mr. Bennington, run along," Lady Danbury's voice cued the Baron to get up. Penelope gave him an apologetic look, but he just chuckled and left. Penelope looked over at Lady Danbury, who was smiling wryly at her.

"I am not going to apologize for being a meddler Miss Featherington." Lady Danbury said slowly. 

Penelope giggled. A meddler was an understatement. Lady Danbury played a part in plenty of events in the London Society. Be it a marriage, a scandal, unearthing Lady Whistledown - Lady Danbury was at the background, somehow orchestrating it.

"The Baron. He is such a good man. Your mother is over the moon, "Lady Danbury said. "Albeit very dull. You need some more excitement in your life!"

Penelope's eyes widened. "Lady Danbury! He is brilliant, and lovely. And far more than I could ever ask for."

"Then, why are you hesitating?" the countess questioned.

Penelope blinked. "Pardon?"

"You are hesitant. A Baron, a good one is courting you, and while I notice you are happy, you are also not… present." Lady Danbury looked at her thoughtfully. 

"Hmph, it would be joyous for me to see one more person be married off before I leave this world, but only in a happy one. And you do not look too eager."

Penelope frowned as she reached her hand out to squeeze the Countesses's hand. "Please do not say you're leaving this world too soon."

Was she hesitating? She didn't think so. She was only distant due to everything going on with Lady Whistledown and...

"Is it that Bridgerton boy?" the sharp woman abruptly asked. Penelope's eyes bugged out. Her mouth gaped open in shock.

"Please, I have been watching the ton for as long as I breathe, that includes you, and it is undeniable." Lady Danbury said all-knowingly.

Still obvious? Penelope was cross with herself. She let go of her fantasies with Colin years ago; she was sure that she did not have that many feelings for him anymore. Right? She creased her forehead, thinking.

"It is written all over your face Penelope," Lady Danbury stated. "I am just surprised he has not noticed. Doesn't speak well to his intelligence and character if he has not done anything about it either," she said bluntly. 

Penelope shook her head. "He probably noticed a long time ago. Just did not want to acknowledge it."

She waved her hand. "It's really nothing there, Lady Danbury. I had let that go a long time ago. Nothing will ever occur. Men like him do not fall in love with women like myself."

Lady Danbury scowled. "Women like yourself? You mean pretty and intelligent? I guess not, then they're a fool." she gruffed. "You are clearly mistaken because you caught the Baron's attention, and a Baron is definitely above rank than the younger Bridgerton."

Penelope couldn't help but laugh. 

"You are right. I have spent so long thinking I am not good enough, I forgot. I suppose it's only a Bridgerton's attention that I should say I do not grab," she chuckled. 

Lady Danbury quirked a brow, but she wasn't looking at Penelope. She was looking over her shoulder. "You might bite your tongue on that."

_Huh?_

"Hi Pen- Miss Featherington, may I speak to you?" Colin popped out of nowhere behind her, startling her. Her heart skipped a beat seeing his face, but she instantly turned cold, remembering their conversation the day before. She was still abundantly bitter. She looked away, her face heating up.

"How rude, Mr.Bridgerton. Did your mother not teach you to greet your elders first?" Lady Danbury stomped her walking stick on the ground. Colin stepped back and bowed. 

"Forgive me, Lady Danbury! I did not see you there!" If Penelope wasn't trying to ignore Colin, she would've burst out laughing, but instead, she had hoped Lady Danbury would've smacked him with her walking stick.

"Ah, you are forgiven, I suppose. You looked like a man with a mission heading towards Miss Featherington. I do not blame you. Have you, too, finally recognized that Miss Featherington is worth exceedingly more than most of these coiffed up muppets?"

"Lady Danbury!" Penelope gasped in horror for about the third time that day. 

The countess laughed. "Well, I shall take my leave, but if you were planning on courting, hurry up. Get in line," Lady Danbury kept laughing as she walked away to meddle in someone else's life. 

Penelope stood there quietly, avoiding Colin's gaze. She now wished Lady Danbury would've stayed. She was not speaking to Colin, ever. She was sticking to her convictions. 

"Penelope, we need to talk-,"

"We have said all we needed to say Mr.Bridgerton," Penelope said in an impolite whisper, still avoiding his gaze. "Please go away."

"Pen, please-,"

Just when Penelope thought she had to come up with a way to escape Colin, Lady Danbury's butler came in to announce loudly that Cressida Crowley had an announcement. 

Pity, if only she wasn't angry at Colin, she would've already started the snarkfest with him about Cressida. She and Colin shared a mutual dislike over Cressida. It was always enjoyable and funny to chat about her.

But what came out of Cressida's mouth, however, was far from funny. 

Cressida just falsely declared she was Lady Whistledown.

It was infuriating. So infuriating, Penelope, usually quite in public, could not help but speak her mind when Lady Danbury asked Penelope what she thought about the situation. With a loud quivering voice, Penelope told the whole ton what she thought about this.

"I rather like Lady Whistledown and it would break my _heart_ if it were someone like Cressida Twombly," Penelope gritted through her teeth.

Penelope physically felt sick, the air sucked out of her body. She thought she saw red, her blood boiling. It was the same feeling all those years ago when Colin didn't listen to her and when Marina hurt her. She vowed she'd never write something so scathing and foul ever since then because she didn't particularly felt better after. She felt worse. But this, this was one of the times she was warranted in her rage.

She was not having that, and she decided to write one last article. No one was going to steal 10+ years of her life's work from her and take it as their own. 

Absolutely no one. 

* * *

Colin felt like a stalker all day when he attempted to talk to Penelope. He tried to catch her at Lady Danbury's party, but thanks to Cressida's unnecessary announcement, he lost sight of Penelope, who quickly left the party. He was so very frustrated that he couldn't reach her. He had a restless and complicated night because of his confusion over his feelings for Penelope... and his impure actions. He had never felt this way about anyone before. After Penelope left him, that night, he could still feel her soft body against his, and the sweet taste of her lips. Without realizing it, he started to stroke himself and thought about how much further he wanted to go with her.

At first, Colin was horrified at his actions, but ever since he kissed Penelope and caressed her body, all he could think about was her. Throughout all his years knowing her, not once did he have such thoughts about her, let alone wicked impure thoughts about her. It was only recently, when he returned, his view on Penelope took a turn. He didn't know when it happened, consequently, he was still sorting out his feelings. Maybe it would do well for him to speak with Daphne. Since he was closer in age and had a special bond with her, and she was married- she would be the best person to help him figure it out. However, that could wait, he just wanted to speak with Penelope no matter what it took, so this aching feeling in his chest could subside. 

He thought he'd probably have to tie her down for her to even talk to him. He smirked. He wouldn't mind it; the sight of Penelope tied down somewhere piqued his excitement. 

Argh, he was frustrated; the uneasiness in his chest wouldn't go away. 

The sun was already setting, would it be an inconvenience if he showed up in front of her door now? He instructed his carriage to go towards the Featherington house, maybe he could still catch her if he tried. If not, then tomorrow, bright and early, he would be in front of Penelope's door, ready to talk to her. Although, he couldn't handle another night of tossing, turning, and completely lewd thoughts.

He sighed; what would he say to her? He rummaged his brain to think of how to get her to talk to him until something caught his attention. He blinked a few times, knocking on his carriage for it to stop. Were his eyes deceiving him? 

It was Penelope, waiting at the far end of the curb, getting into a hired hack. Penelope was covered in a large black hood, unlike her usual sun bright dresses. It was a different attire for her, but he knew her height, those curves, and those red curls sticking out of her hood betrayed her. It didn't fool him.

What the hell was she doing out at dusk getting into an unknown carriage?! He was ready to jump out of his carriage and drag her out of the hired hack but, curiosity got the better of him instead, and he followed her. As he followed her, his blood began to boil.

What is the devil's mind was she thinking? The ride lasted a while, and each minute that passed, his anger was swelled. They finally stopped at a church in town. This was not the sort of place their society would go to, let alone someone like Penelope. Especially someone like Penelope, sheltered and vulnerable.

He stepped into the church, lurking in the shadows, observing her hide something in one of the bibles nested in one of the pews.

Colin scowled; his anger had been building ever since he followed her from her house. He didn't know why he was furious at her. He couldn't exactly pick one reason.

There were plenty of reasons he was furious at her- reasons ranging from she shouldn't be in a dangerous part of town far away from safety, and what was she hiding? and who was she writing letters to?

Somehow the fact Penelope was writing letters to someone other than him made him want to hurt someone. That was _their_ thing. 

He watched as she walked down the church aisle before accosting her, relishing in her look of horror when she saw him.

"Colin!" She squealed in shock, her voice echoing in the empty church. They both had a back and forth for a few minutes, Colin noticing the stand-offish Penelope this morning was now chatty and polite. He would've laughed and gladly accepted it if this situation weren't as such.

"You've softened from this morning. What changed?" he drawled, cutting their conversation short.

"Oh, you know, we're in a church, and we should be kind," she lied as she kept stepping into the direction he was moving towards, blocking him from going any further up the aisle to the pews. 

Colin stared at her in disbelief, she was purposely hiding it, and he was infuriated that she wasn't forthcoming with him. It was obvious he saw her, and she worked hard to stall the inevitable. What or who was so important? Better to rip off the bandage than let it linger; he was done with the idle chit chat and went straight to where she hid the letter.

"Colin, no!" Penelope screamed, grabbing his arm. Colin yanked the letter from the bible and held it in front of her face.

"Care to tell me what's in here?" he demanded furiously.

"No," she replied, trying to seize the letter, but he held it away from her. Penelope was too short to grab it from him, even if she jumped. If Colin weren't angry with her, he would've told her it was cute. But everything was far from cute at this moment.

"Colin, please don't," she choked. Still, Colin ignored her and tore the letter open and read its contents.

"No!" Penelope cried out, tears falling down her face; she backed away and ran out of the church.

His heart ached when she cried out, but he wasn't going to stop; he was already in this deep. A few words in, and he wished to high heavens he didn't read it. His vision blurred, and he felt his heart stop.

"Oh my God."

* * *

Penelope ran out of the church, and she cussed to all hell when her carriage was gone. She didn't want to face Colin at all. Maybe if she walked through the streets and found another hack, she could get away. 

She hesitated for just a moment, knowing how dangerous these streets were, but she was a grown woman, and she's been here a lot of times. She would be fine. 

Right? 

Well, it didn't matter. It was better than facing an angry and shocked Colin Bridgerton. _Better to get stabbed in a dark alleyway than have Colin Bridgerton look at me angrily_ , she reasoned.

She hurried down the steps towards than alleyway. As ridiculous as this was, she did not want to be here when Colin got over his initial shock.

Unfortunately, to her dismay, she did not get too far when a hand grasped her, pulling her away from the direction of the alley. 

"What in the bloody hell are you doing?" Colin bellowed as he gripped her arm, pulling her with such force her back hit his chest. 

"You are not going past this church grounds by yourself," he gritted through his teeth. Penelope could see he was trying to keep himself together. "For God's sake, Penelope! Get in my carriage. NOW," he growled.

Penelope climbed into his carriage and flinched when Colin slammed the door and drew down the carriage curtains. 

Penelope was shivering, not from cold but from the silent rage emitting from Colin. She had never seen him like this before. In fact, there were many things she'd never seen from Colin before. Plenty of firsts with Colin, that was for sure, she thought miserably.

First to steal her heart, first to break it, first to kiss her, and the first to ever find out she was Lady Whistledown.

Penelope could go undetected all these years (10+ to be exact), and it was of all humans in this world, Colin Bridgerton, who found her out first.

It was wistfully poetic that the one person that took all her firsts obviously had to be the only person in all this time who managed to catch her. She nearly got caught years ago by the Queens' men, but she was saved thanks to another Bridgerton.

"Care to explain?" Colin demanded, his voice still harsh.

"I rather we not speak or acknowledge each other remember?"

"Don't test my patience, Penelope. I believe the statute of limitations on that expired when I found out you are bloody Lady Whistledown!" he hissed fiercely. His eyes were wide, ready to pop out of his head.

Penelope flinched. He was right. She couldn't avoid this. 

Colin was outraged, and she would rather not test his patience. She'd never seen him this angry before, and it momentarily exhilarated her that she could elicit a response from him like this. In fact, last few weeks, Colin had acted so differently than she'd ever witnessed before.

"Did you know?" She asked, because how did he even know where to find her. 

"No. I was on my way to see you and saw you going into a questionable carriage."

She was surprised he didn't stop her. He noticed her look and said, "I was curious, and somehow I wished I did stop you. I hoped to never find out."

"... Well… surprise!" Penelope joked, letting out a nervous laugh, clasping her hands together.

Colin was in no laughing mood. They argued for a few moments, with Colin spouting out sentences such as:

_"Are you mad? You went out late at night in a shady part of town for this?!"_

_"You made a laughing stock of the whole ton, including me!"_

_"Cressida Townley gave you a goddamn out from being Lady Whistledown! Why are you doing this?!"_

Each scolding that came from Colin made her feel angrier and angrier. She struggled to keep her mouth shut, and failed. She fought back at every turn she could. 

"Cressida Townley is stealing someone else's work. She doesn't deserve any of this," She quarreled. "And stop shouting at me! I understand you're in shock, but it's hurting me." 

Colin who looked like he was going to shout again, stopped. Penelope looked down at her clasped hands on her thighs. There was a long pause. She peeked up at him. He was so very red in the face, breathing hard, eyes blazing at her, but, he stopped yelling. He then closed his eyes and sighed loudly, running his fingers through his hair. It looked messy, and Penelope wanted to fix it for him but kept her hands together.

Colin finally started to talk, but his voice dropped an octave, for this, Penelope was grateful.

"I admit I am still in shock but, I suppose I shouldn't be, considering your letters to me..they were written by a seasoned writer. I've never known someone to write so…wonderfully." He murmured, closing his eyes. He perched his elbow on the carriage window and rested his forehead in his hand. "I should've known." 

Penelope felt her heart soar. He loved her writing to him? He never said he did before. _No, don't do it_ , Penelope, she told herself, _you're technically still mad at him._

"While I am not yelling, I am still furious with you, Penelope Featherington!" He suddenly whipped his head back to look at her. "First, you come here all by yourself. This is a dangerous place for a woman of your caliber! Secondly, Lady Whistledown? You? God help us all. You will be ruined." he glared.

Penelope had no idea why it mattered to him so much, she would be ruined, maybe, but he didn't have to get so enraged about it. What business has it got to do with him? She knew what she would say next was going to infuriate him because she was disputing him. 

"Cressida Townley wasn't ruined," she said scornfully.

"Oh my God," Colin looked like he snapped and gripped her arms. "No, you're different. Don't you understand? I can't bear for you to be hurt!"

Penelope was too angry at him to decipher what hurt meant to him, because he could never feel the kind of hurt she felt all these years with him, Cressida and the ton.

"Different how?" Penelope spat back. "Is it because I'm not as pretty as her? Popular?" she said miserably.

Penelope was going to take it. What did he mean differently? Did he really think she would be seen negatively while Cressida wasn't? Everyone hated her! She was ready to fight, but instead, Colin didn't let her finish.

Instead, Colin Bridgerton gripped her shoulders tightly and moved closer to her. He gazed at her, a yearning look in his eyes. She felt a lump in her throat and swallowed, proceeding to lick her lips. She noticed his eyes dropped to her mouth. Her pulse raced, her heart hammering against her chest. Penelope _wanted_ him to kiss her so terribly. 

Though she was mad at him, she couldn't forget his kiss, she tried her best to do so, but she couldn't. 

"You're wrong. You are so beautiful," he whispered, reaching out to tilt her chin up, his eyes searching hers as if asking for permission to continue what he was doing. Her whole body burned as time stood still.

The next thing she felt was Colin's lips crashing fiercely against hers. Her body sparked intensely as he proceeded to kiss her. She tasted him back, unsure at first. Penelope clung to him as Colin wrapped his arms around her, pulling her on top of his body. It was like fire licked her skin wherever he touched, and she loved it. 

She gasped when she felt Colin's tongue thrust into her mouth, it was searing her. She melted against him, every cell in her body erupting. She felt consumed by him. 

Penelope grew bolder and kissed him back, her tongue wrapping around Colin's, as her hands roamed up to cup his face. His cheeks were burning as much as she did. His hands roamed up her shoulders, and he ran his fingers across her collarbone, reaching the ends of her dress. He slipped her dress past her shoulders, exposing her neck and chest. He grazed his lips, and peppered light kisses on her cheek, past her jaw down to her neck. Her senses left her, and she let him lead her desires.

She lost herself again to Colin Bridgerton.

* * *

Colin's heart slammed against his chest when he touched her. It was absolutely euphoric touching and kissing Penelope, a feeling he'd never experienced before. He unquestionably loved touching her. If he knew this was the feeling she conjured from him, he would've probably done this sooner. Now that he's had a taste of her lips and the softness of her body, he wanted more.

Much more. He groaned, calling her name out feverishly until all his senses came back to him- when he felt the carriage abruptly stopped.

Fuck, he cursed and pulled himself away from her. They were in front of her house, and they couldn't both be caught like this, or they'd be ruined. Scandal travels fast here.

Although, if the Queen of Gossips, Lady Whistledown was right here with him, did it travel as fast? He wasn't sure. He was still shocked and baffled at the fact Penelope was Whistledown, and he would've continuously been mad but that diminished pretty quickly when he touched her.

Looking down at her, she looked completely satiated. Her eyes droopy, full of lust. A crimson flush trailing from her cheeks, neck down to her breasts. God, she looked stunning. He watched her compose herself as he tried to calm himself down but realized it just made him even more aroused. So he had to look away. He couldn't leave the carriage until he completely calmed down. 

When he first looked for Penelope that day, he didn't know what to say, but now with everything that transpired, he knew exactly what he wanted to say.

"Let's go," Colin ordered, finally calming down to the most presentable he could look after ravaging Penelope in the carriage.

"Huh? You're coming in?" Penelope asked, surprised. Colin frowned, looking at her like she was silly. 

"Of course."

Penelope hesitated, looking utterly confused, not moving from her seat. He started to tap his foot, waiting for her to get out, but she didn't move. She still stared at him like he was ill.

"But... but why? You can just go home."

"Absolutely not Penelope, I am going in with you."

"But my family is in there, and it's late-," she started to get up when he grabbed her hand.

"For God's sake Penelope. Are you going to marry me or not?" he gruffed, pulling her out of the carriage, impatient.

Penelope missed the carriage step and fell face down on the pavement, her face next to Colin's foot.

"Penelope!" Colin yelled, pulling her up to her feet. "Are you alright? Oh God, Are you hurt?" he was concerned. He didn't know he was that rough with her, he had to make a mental note to be more gentle. What kind of nobleman was he?

"I-I'm fine. Just surprised." She said absentmindedly, not looking at him. She walked straight towards her house, and on cue, her butler opened the door for her.

Colin clambered behind her as she walked into one of her parlors. He looked around and didn't see her family downstairs. They were probably upstairs, in the other family room. That was his next route. He was going to ask Lady Featherington for her daughter's hand in marriage.

Colin was still confused about his feelings, but it was confirmed that all he had to do was marry Penelope. Once he came to that conclusion, he didn't feel uneasy anymore; in fact, he felt good. He felt excellent. 

"Penelope?" he called out once he caught up to her. 

"Colin," Penelope turned around to look at him, twisting her fingers nervously. She stopped what she was saying until her butler appeared to put tea and biscuits on the table and proceeded to leave, closing the french see-through doors for them. 

"Splendid!," Colin exclaimed, food! He was utterly famished from their encounter in the carriage, and he needed to eat.

"Colin," Penelope said, this time firmly. "You can leave now."

He dropped a biscuit back on the tray, gaping at her. "Excuse me? Are you in shock?"

"You needn't worry about what just happened in the carriage," she responded, her face turning red when she mentioned the carriage. 

Colin scowled, his mood plummeting immensely. He realized his moods with Penelope were so polarizing. How could one person affect him this much? He didn't know, and he hated it. 

"What in the bloody hell are you saying, Penelope Featherington," he seethed in a low voice. "We… we did _things_. Therefore we must get married." 

"Do we?" Penelope questioned.

Colin cried out loud. "Don't play with me Penelope, don't you have a reply?" 

"Reply to what?" she queried, looking puzzled. If Colin wasn't in an uncanny situation himself, he would've shaken Penelope hard.

He gaped at her, "My marriage proposal." 

"OH! Oh? You were not joking." Penelope laughed. Then stopped. She gaped at Colin. "You were... you were actually serious."

It took Colin all of his gentlemanly training not to scream. He laid both his hands on his waist and exhaled loudly.

"Penelope, I assure you I don't just...go around behaving like a rake with someone with your background without rendering a marriage proposal," he gruffed.

"Oh, Oh no, Colin, I am _very_ aware, I have seen first hand that you hand out marriage proposals quite easily," she said spitefully, but in the most honey-coated pleasant voice he's ever heard.

Colin recoiled, sometimes, as polite and lovely Penelope was, she had the sweet mouth of a viper when she desired. Colin felt what she said was akin to getting stabbed.

This sounded very much like a rejection and is the first time colin was ever rejected. He knew if he proposed to any girl at the ton, they would accept without hesitation. If they won't, their eager mamas would. As cocky as he thought that was, it was true. 

Admittedly, he only proposed one other time. He still cringes, recalling one of the worst decisions he's ever made. 

"Why do you choose to hurt me so?" He breathed. Flickering, he was perplexed and upset at her responses. This was not the answer he was looking for. He thought Penelope would accept, especially after their passionate encounter in the carriage. 

"Excuse me?" she blinked rapidly. "I? I hurt... you?" as if his question was mystifying.

"Penelope, I am not in the mood," he agonized. He didn't know why they were arguing. Shouldn't this be the happiest moment in a woman's life?

"Neither am I, Colin. Because forgive me if I did not find this serious? I've never been proposed to, you see, I had a different impression in my head of what a proposal looks like. So forgive me." she said impatiently, she then scoffed.

"And, me? I? hurt _you_?" she mocked.

Colin was taken aback at her behavior. He was so confused by her actions. He just proposed. "What are you trying to say, Penelope? What is your gripe with me?"

"What is my gripe?" she started to let out a hollow laugh. "Oh, Colin Bridgerton, you do _not_ want to hear what's my gripe. My _gripe_ spans 10 years."

Somehow Colin had a dreadful feeling like he was missing something. Lately, all he did was upset Penelope, and he didn't know why. He thought what he was saying was the right thing, but every move and word he made infuriated her. In fact, similar to yesterday, he felt the room's mood change, and he felt like he opened another box of horrors.

Penelope then paused and shook her head. "No, no, I've been quiet for so long, " She glared up at him.

"I am going to tell you exactly what's wrong," she declared. "You! You're my gripe!"

"First off, I am _very_ certain Marina's proposal was a lot more cordial, less matter-of-factly, and less forced," Penelope replied with a high shrill in her voice, as if she was trying not to cry and laugh at the same time. "And while it was an utter mistake, you proposed anyway! And I am very sure, it was a much nicer proposal than this." she continued, now tears falling uncontrollably down her face. "And I am not blaming you, I am just-you never knew how hard it was for me."

Colin froze. No, she was not going to go there. She wouldn't. Penelope was just taking out daggers and stabbing him at the sides of his stomach at this point. 

Marina again, this somehow always came back to that one time he made a mistake. He knew it would clearly follow and haunt him forever, but he didn't know to what extent. In fact, when he left for Greece right after the Marina catastrophe, it was calculated. It was to get away because if he disappeared for a few months, everyone would forget about it.

And everyone did... except Lady Whistledown. The color drained from his face, and he thought he stopped breathing for a moment.

_Except Lady Whistledown._

He only now pieced it together. He didn't know it could affect his future like this. He didn't know the magnitude of his mistake at the time, but 8 years later, he was staring right at the extent.

This, here, was the most extreme extent of his past mistakes ruining his future; Penelope, heartbroken, rejecting his proposal. 

The person he didn't want to affect or hurt was the person affected the most, and he had no idea. He had no idea that she was Lady Whistledown. The real person who actually saved him from years of a miserable marriage. She ruined her family name for a brief moment for him. 

"Penelope, please don't cry, I am so very sorry, " he begged. His eyes pleading as he took a step towards her. He did not like where this was heading; in fact, he felt sick to his stomach. Each minute that passed by he didn't have her in his arms was a minute that he was losing her. He was sure of it.

Penelope held up a hand, making him halt. She looked like she was smiling, but the light in her eyes flickered off. She looked sad and exhausted. Her look cut his heart. He caused this. 

"No, Colin, once upon a time, I would've accepted this proposal without hesitation, especially if you had not proposed before. Or broke my heart before. But you _definitely_ have, to both!" she blurted out. "I worked really hard to let you go. But you suddenly came back this year, and ruined everything. _Again_."

She did not ..she did not like him? That was what she was saying. In fact, what she was saying was she did not like him anymore. And that pierced his heart to the core.

Penelope shook her head, sighing, her eyes red. A painful tightness appeared in his throat. He couldn't stand it when Penelope looked hurt.

"Penelope, it was that one time, ages ago, when I was but a stupid adolescent. But now, I am older and, I'm a nobleman. Therefore I am here to protect you from what I did then, and now."

"What _we_ did. You weren't the only one who kissed me, I kissed you back. And you didn't make me write that article years ago, I did," she said, she then smiled, but a sad smile it was. It didn't reach her eyes. By now, he memorized how she smiled, it penetrated his heart so tremendously he just wanted to pull her into a protective embrace, but he didn't move. She wouldn't let him near her.

"Colin, you are the most honorable, kind person I know. I lo-" she stopped herself and exhaled. "I respect you for that." 

"Popular to beliefs, while I want to get married, I also believe in not trapping someone. Your situation with Marina taught me that best..I don't want to be the second person that does that to you. I feel like you're only asking me because we did…" she flushed, her cheeks turning bright red again like it did when he was kissing her, and it took every ounce of his soul not to take her into his arms and finish what they were doing in the carriage. " _Some_ things in a carriage, you wouldn't propose otherwise." 

"Pen, you're wrong! It's not the same-," he needed to tell her how he felt. He needed to tell her he wanted to marry her, not because he felt trapped and wanted to protect her honor, but...

But what?

He asked for her hand in marriage, and he didn't know what else could make Penelope forgive him for something he did ages ago.

What did he want to say? He couldn't find the words, and what felt like the 10th time that week, he kept destroying his relationship with Penelope.

"Just, please. Colin, I beg you to keep all of .. this," she motioned with her hand in thin air. "Quiet. Just forget this ever happened. I will too. You don't have to worry about me."

Colin knew she was talking about her identity, their passionate encounter in the carriage, and his proposal. This was far from the ideal situation in his head. He wanted to make it right with Penelope, but every single time it got worse. How could he be so blind?

Each time he took a step forward with her, he took two back and felt her slipping away from him more. He was terrified of losing her, but he couldn't find the words to explain to her. He thought marrying her would've solved everything. 

It didn't. 

She walked past him, opened the door, and before closing it, in a soft quivering voice, said, "I promise you, we will go back to normal, just give me time."

She closed the door in his face. Normal? What the hell was normal anymore? 

Colin felt nauseous. He didn't know how long he stood there. He had never felt a pain so immense in his chest before; he felt dizzy, as if he didn't have enough oxygen to fill his body. He felt like something was ripped apart from him from the inside.

As if his heart was ripped from his chest. He held a fist to his chest as if that could've soothed it. 

Nevertheless, this was a light sentence for him; for once, Colin understood. Colin really never felt his heartbreak until now, and if this is what Penelope felt all these years, he understood that he deserved this. Because, finally, after many years, Colin Bridgerton realized that he broke Penelope Featherington's heart far longer than she broke his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Did I mention salty about the Marina stuff? LMFAO. I was deadass serious. The dude already took 50 years (exaggeration) to fall in love with her, they decided to throw Marina in the mix.  
> I am sorry, this pain is going to prolong. But I promise, the next chapter will be the last, and it will be ok! (Maybe, LOL). I honestly didn't know how far my salt spanned. 
> 
> I have a companion piece to this chapter. It's a one-shot if you'd like to read it. Basically, what I wished continued to happen in the carriage. Since it's E, it'll be there. You can check it in here [Unravel into Me](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2105727)
> 
> One of my favorite things in the book and I hope to Jesus Mary Joseph that Netflix doesn't change is the fact that it was COLIN who found out who Lady Whistledown really is!.... SO POETIC and perfect! So I am praying to Netflix Gods. But another thing I have to mention, I absolutely love Lady Danbury, I also love how Colin found out in the books, it was so perfect!!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this chapter because it broke my heart. Haha *sighs sadly*.


	6. Haunting my Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Everyone this was supposed to be the last chapter but it was way longer than I expected when uploaded, so there will be 1 more chapter for reading ease.

Colin Bridgerton's next few days were filled with agony. He fell into habits he was not aware he was capable of; drinking - he was not a heavy drinker, not eating - Colin loved to eat (a known fact), and sleeping all day - he was usually up and about chatting with his family. He tried to keep himself busy but failed on many attempts. He felt numb and in limbo, for he still couldn't comprehend what happened between him and Penelope. He had been avoiding society ever since. All he wanted to do was speak to her and touch her. 

He could still smell her on his fingertips. After leaving the Featherington home that fateful day, he was in a daze, saddened and shocked by what transpired between him and Penelope.

As he sat in bed every night, unable to sleep, he could still smell and feel her essence on his fingers and, and on most nights, ashamed, when he found himself stroking himself, reliving what they did in the carriage.

His body burned at the memory of her touch, her smell, her softness. He imagined how far they would've gone if the carriage didn't stop. It would've been his current length that would've been plunging into her instead of his fingers. A few more tugs or thrusts in his thoughts, and he spilled into his hands. 

The momentary euphoria he felt quickly turned sour as his heart continued aching. This happened every night. 

He knew the feeling of desolation in his heart would only dissipate if he had Penelope. He would then start writing letters addressed to Penelope, trying to convey his feelings, but he didn't know what to write and would keep crossing out what he wanted to say.

His family was starting to get worried for him, and when his mother came down to his bachelor lodgings one day, he decided to show up back into society.

"Colin, when you get sick, who would take care of you!" his mother bemoaned.

_Penelope._

Was his preferred answer, but alas, that was not happening, and his heart ached with grief at the thought. Once he pulled himself out of his house, the first thing he did was try to see Penelope.

Like Colin, Penelope had also been missing from society for a while now - according to Lady Featherington, she was sick. Penelope refused to see anyone while in this state. Colin had hoped that included the Baron, and through sitting in on his family's breakfast and lunches, he got information from Eloise; he was relieved it did. Even Eloise hadn't seen her friend for days. 

Colin had tried to walk past Penelope's house daily to see if he could catch her, but not once did he catch a glimpse. One day he walked past Penelope's house with the same result and kept wandering.

He found himself straight in town at the Duke of Hasting's house, where his sister Daphne resided when she was in London. He hadn't spoken to Daphne for so long; he hadn't realized he wanted her input on things until he got to her house. He stood outside, hesitating to walk in because he didn't know how he could word his worries without being too blatant. A writer, Penelope, called him? Hilarious! For he couldn't even string a sentence together to convey how he felt.

"Colin? Are you not coming in?" 

"Daphne!" Colin was deep in thought that he didn't notice a butler saw him standing outside and informed Daphne. 

Once he saw her, he was glad to have chosen to come over. Daphne was the closest to him in age, and he had a special bond with her. While she was now married and a mother, he always could rely on her to be the most unprejudiced, while his other siblings had strong opinions. 

"I am so happy you came! I heard you were sick, so we did not want to intrude," she said happily, bringing him to a family room.

"Daphne, I have a question," Colin cut straight to the point once the door to the room closed. 

"Ask away! I will try to help any way I can." Daphne took a seat.

Colin inhaled and exhaled heavily before asking so quickly; he thought it to be gibberish.

"How do you know if you love someone?"

Daphne just stared at him, surprised, mouth agape. 

"Nevermind, forget I asked," Colin felt a rush of heat flood his cheeks, instantly embarrassed.

Daphne laughed. "Oh, dear brother, I am so glad you asked! Surprised, but so very happy you asked!" she responded, standing up to hug him.

"Daphne," he whined. He needed her to get to the point, his sister tended to ramble on, and he needed answers.

"Oh, sorry, well, the answer is I don't know," Daphne said with a shrug.

"I beg your pardon?!" that was definitely not the answer Colin wanted. 

"Well, it's different for everyone," Daphne stated. 

"That doesn't help me," he was apologetic; he came off rude, but he was so very frustrated. 

"Well, may I ask, what did you think you had with Marina since you asked her to marry you?" Daphne asked. Daphne had more insight into Marina's engagement with him because she was the only one who was understanding and chaperoned while he wanted to get the truth from her. "Was that love?"

Colin reminisced, and he reflected carefully. At the time, he did think it was love at first sight. But he realized it was nothing but a young boy's infatuation; he never really thought about her again. Except lately, that decision to propose was the reason he was currently in total hell. She was just someone he proposed to, with no possible reason except that he thought she was pretty the first time he saw her. He didn't know her, which was apparent when he had to find out everything from Lady Whi-Penelope. He didn't know Marina.

Colin sighed and shook his head. "No."

"You look down, brother. What is really wrong?" she Daphne asked, concerned.

Colin gazed up at his sister. "Daphne, I apologize I am not myself for the last few days."

"Who did this to you?" Daphne abruptly asked. "I rephrase, why are you not yourself? The family has noticed you aren't as, well, Colin-like."

"Just in general," Colin muttered, looking sideways, just gazing away from his sister. He did not want to see the worry in her eyes.

"I doubt. You will not be asking if it's not about a specific person. You forget I am older than you and have gone through my fair share of heartbreak. Please tell me about this person." Daphne coaxed, in such a motherly tone; it had a warmth that made Colin unravel.

It was as if he was granted permission to relieve all his thoughts and emotions because once Colin opened his mouth, it was a waterfall of words, he had no idea he had been holding in. Declarations he couldn't articulate for the longest time came hastening out in earnest.

"This person is … astonishing. Such a lovely person. She's sweet and loving. Extremely intelligent, she has so many silent accomplishments she puts men to shame. In fact,…" a realization crossed his mind. "I am jealous of her because she can do things I, a man, couldn't achieve...I… I admire her," he admitted, his face reddening from that admission. 

"She's supportive...knows my secrets, encourages them, made me realize my potentials," he said thoughtfully, releasing an appreciative sigh.

"Unlike the women in the past, I truly know her. I know her," he said softly. 

"I know her secrets, I know who she is..." He frowned." And while I admit, I...am not as supportive as her...I am the only one who knows her secrets, and I still want to protect her."

He clenched his hands at his side and took a seat opposite Daphne as he explained himself. He was breathless, his pulse in his throat. He talked so much his mouth was dry, Daphne had to pour him water and give it to him. He gladly took and downed it.

"I feel… I feel restless, unhappy, miserable when I am not with her. I can't sleep well; I'm furious when I think of her and someone else. The thought of anything bad happening to her hurts." he said solemnly. Which was why he panicked when he found out her identity. He was in shock, yes, but he was also terrified of what would happen to her if people found out. 

He couldn't stop at this point and continued. He gripped his chest, his eyes fell to the floor.

"My chest hurts. I feel like ripping my heart out; it just hurts. I don't know how to stop it from hurting. Because when I try to picture a life without her…"

He paused and gazed up at his sister. "I can't." Colin breathed out at last. Colin didn't have time to register what he just said because his eyes widened.

"Daphne!" Colin yelped in confusion. His sister had a hand to her chest, and her eyes were glistening from tears falling down her face. "Daphne? Are you alright? Do I need to call Simon?" He kneeled in front of her, hands on her lap.

She waved her hand, dismissing his worries.

"No… no... I'm just… Oh, Colin, you fool! That is one romantic love declaration if I've ever heard of one!" Daphne stated, taking her handkerchief to wipe her tears.

After a few sniffles, she laid a hand on Colin's.

"Colin, you narrate to me, as if you are already in love, but do not know you are in love…have you told...well, this person any of this?" 

Colin shook his head, vigorously. 

"No, because I am not sure if it is love. The last time I thought it was love it was not. I want to be extremely positive."

"You were green, Colin. You still had no inkling of what it was to be in love. You are older now. You've probably, well, been with other women to know the difference by now. When you know, you know…and you probably already do."

His conversation with Daphne was enlightening, and his heart lifted a little. After calming his sister down from crying, he continued thinking about what he said to Daphne. Maybe he did know…

He pondered on it a little longer, and he got somewhat happier when he caught wind, thanks to Eloise, that Penelope was better and was attending the Queens Summer Ball. It was the most coveted ball for summer, and Lady Featherington would be damned if the whole family wasn't attending. For once, Colin was excited to be going to a ball.

* * *

Colin Bridgerton's mood deflated really quickly, as such it did whenever Penelope was involved. He did not like to admit that he had a nasty temper, and recently this year, jealousy. He managed to hide these negative traits for a very long time due to his self-control. 

Right now, he was praising his solid self-control observing Penelope dance merrily with the Baron. Colin's hands curled at his sides. They were ready and itching to swing out against a pillar. A pang struck his chest as Penelope, and the Baron twirled past him. Penelope didn't even glance over at him.

 _His_ Penelope. The Penelope he touched the other day.

_Get your hands off her; I touched her first. She's mine._

As he proceeded to watch his Penelope dance with the Baron, the continuous vicious pang pierced him. 

God, he wanted her. She was his. At this point, he accepted and knew she belonged to him. But she seemed more distant than ever. She was so far away. What could be done to win her?

Lest travelling back in time to erase his past mistakes and notice Penelope far earlier than now. 

_What a fucking fool you are, Colin Bridgerton._

"Someone woke up on the wrong side of his bed today." Colin was joined by Benedict, who gave him a lopsided grin. Colin could not reinforce how precise Benedict was. 

"You are not far off," Colin groaned, thinking about another restless night. He just wanted to be left alone in a corner. A corner he usually could find Penelope in, where they'd laugh and joke. Goosebumps prickled his skin, thinking that those days might be fleeting with her dancing with someone else.

"I could feel such a dark energy coming from this corner of the room, I thought it was Anthony, but alas, just little brother pouting in a corner." Benedict grinned. Colin rolled his eyes at him.

The Baron and Penelope stopped dancing, and he saw Lady Featherington and Lady Bridgerton approach them to have a nice cheerful conversation. Or so, that was what he thought, seeing the four of them laugh as they conversed. Colin was offended. That should be him over there.

"Why is mother talking to him?" Colin demanded. "I never understood why she's so interested in the Baron? Did you know she invited him over to Number Five for high tea. High tea, Benedict!" he bristled. "Did she not have enough sons she needed to get to know him?" malice dripping out of every word he said; Colin didn't care.

"Brother, you look and sound rather desperate and pathetic," Benedict suddenly said, rocking back on his heels. "Fitting, I suppose."

Colin whipped his head to glare at Benedict. 

"What?" his eyes widened, offended, and shocked at what his brother just said to him. 

"I confess, I wanted to let it play out a little bit more. To see if you were just jealous because Penelope is a childhood friend, and your jealousy was akin to Eloise's, but while Eloise has accepted it, yours has extended far longer than I imagined." he gave a tsk. "And grown more hostile."

Colin couldn't say a word. He was still surprised Benedict was very sharp on his feelings. Probably quicker than Colin was with his. Benedict adopted a pondering pose, a hand clasping his chin, gazing at his brother. It was times like these, Colin felt like the youngest in the group.

"I knew Penelope was in love with you for a long time. Anthony knew too," he explained. "Ever since the infamous ' _I will never marry Penelope Featherington'_ moment. One does not forget the most awkward time of their brother's life," Benedict laughed lightly. The memory for him was funny.

Not to Colin. He winced, guilt washed over him. He had so many past mistakes involving Penelope that he didn't know which to erase first. The ache in his chest continued; he was absolutely wretched. He couldn't believe he hurt Penelope so much all these years. Benedict was right - it was fitting.

Benedict noticed that Colin was disturbed and frowned.

"You are a heap of turmoil ever since returning, you're always angry, haven't been eating, turned down games, and the last few days, you've been missing from society. This has all been happening ever since you knew Penelope had a new suitor. The more it became clear to me... you like her, don't you?" 

Colin didn't answer, his eyes averted, and his gaze landed back on Penelope. Benedict let out a loud and long sigh. 

"You've tortured the girl long enough, Colin. You either let her go, or you marry her."

_But what if she doesn't want to marry me?_

Colin bit his tongue, stopping short of blabbing that important piece of information out. That was between him and Penelope. She had pleaded with him yesterday to keep it quiet, and he would respect that. Even if he just wanted to scream his heart out at this moment.

"How do I fix it?" Colin blurted out, tearing his eyes away from Penelope, laughing gleefully with their mothers and her suitor. He was bristling watching the sight.

"Fix what?"

"What I said years ago? There are so many things I've done, and I can't fix it. I just keep making things worse, Benedict. I don't know how to erase all those moments."

Benedict laughed but stopped when Colin glared at him. His forehead creased, his eyes dropped to the ground as searching the floor for answers.

Colin held on to hope and prayer that his older brother, who had more years on him, could give him some answers. However, he knew it was all for naught because once Benedict gazed back up at him, he had an apologetic smile plastered on his face.

"I do not know because you've outdone yourself after that infamous incident as well. And none maliciously. You were just young and dumb," Benedict sighed, not elaborating, and for that, Colin was thankful. Just this past month, he had been reminded of all the things he's done and not done, and it destroyed him inside. 

"I assume, for a Lady, who has been in love with you since before you hit puberty, I would imagine it's cruelty, so I regret to say, I do not know how to fix it."

Colin barely had a word to say when a commotion started in the form of a group of young boys running into the party, holding bunches of papers and throwing them around the room.

"Attention!" they all yelled. "Read all about it! Lady Whistledown's final column!"

Colin's heart plummeted. _She didn't!_

* * *

Penelope cried an ocean of tears every day since her confrontation with Colin. She was sick to her core; her stomach lurched out breakfast, lunch, and dinner without fail. Due to this, it was easy to be away from society since she was actually sick.

_"Goodness Penelope, you are not leaving the house and scaring the Baron with how you look right now. Get better in time for the summer ball! That means no leaving the house until you are fully recovered."_

For once, she was glad of her mother's over the top answer for everything.

She pondered long and hard every night about her situation. She went back and forth on whether she made a mistake? Did she do the right thing?

She could hardly believe she rejected Colin Bridgerton, the love of her life, her childhood friend, her long unrequited love. 

_Unrequited._

_Ah_ , she always came to the same conclusion every day, and she understood her decision was right. She just couldn't comprehend why Colin would want to ever marry her when for years, Penelope was trained to think he'd never love her like she loved him. He was just the kind Colin Bridgerton she grew up with. The one that would've still married Marina if she just told him the truth, instead of hiding it from him. Her heart ached to accept this, but it was the right thing to do. She didn't condemn him - Colin never did anything maliciously; he was just stupid, kind, Colin Bridgerton.

Colin would soon disregard this whole summer, they would go back to normal soon, and all this would be in the past. She had spent so much time thinking about Colin, she had completely forgotten she had another suitor to worry about. She abruptly sat up in her bed. Eyes wide, heart beating nervously.

Penelope was not one for deception, and while she would not tell anyone about hers and Colin's tryst and proposal till the day she died, she was not going to do this to the Baron either. She felt extremely guilty.

She was no better than what Marina did to Colin if she went on like this with the Baron. She was well aware of what she was doing if she continued with this courtship that could end disaster. As Lady Whistledown, she had written plenty of columns of marriages that fell apart due to lies and deceit. She was not going to bestow that onto someone like the Baron, and herself, really.

He was a good and kind man, a man who noticed her when she was normally forgotten. She couldn't do the same to him. She couldn't trap him in a loveless marriage, although she could fall in love with him or someone else with more time. She would tell Nathaniel when she next saw him that he was better off with someone else. Someone else who wasn't in love with another. 

And that time was at the Summer Ball. Portia made sure she was well and ready for that party.

_"Penelope Featherington, one does not turn down an invitation to the Queens Summer Ball! Sacrilege!"_

That was Portia Featherington's way of saying you are going to this ball, whether you are near death or not.

When she arrived at the party, she didn't have to wait long for Nathaniel. He usually looked for her instead. When he whisked her away on the dance floor, they had a short friendly conversation before Penelope got to the matter at hand.

"Mr. Benington, may I say something?" she asked nervously, sweat pooling under her palms. Luckily she had gloves on.

He nodded. "Of course, Miss Featherington." 

Penelope could feel her day's lunch was threatening to come back up. She had so many confrontations this past week, she was physically exhausted. She breathed and swallowed, looking up at the kind man.

"Nathaniel, I don't think I can continue to let you waste time and court me," she finally declared, wanting to instantly hide after, for the look that crossed the Baron's face made her feel terrible.

"I beg your pardon, Penelope. Where is this coming from? Has someone else proposed to you?" Nathaniel asked, bewildered. 

Penelope was taken aback and had to foster a lie. "Oh, heavens! Propose to me? You jest." She laughed nervously, embarrassed he would even suggest such a thing. Even Though it was true.

"Penelope, is this because you love someone else?" he asked. Penelope's mouth fell open, shaking her head in denial. But then, paused, exhaling. She did not want to confirm nor deny it. 

"I'm- I'm not sure. This is why I want you to focus your attention on someone else. You are such a good man. I don't want to be taking your attention from these other lovely girls." 

"Penelope, I really fancy you. If you do change your mind. I will continue to court you. There is no rule I can not until someone has proposed." he winked.

Penelope laughed and blushed. A sense of relief flooded her when Nathaniel playfully jested with her. 

"You are not offended?" she inquired.

Nathaniel considered before shaking his head. "I am years older than you, Penelope. I have an inkling or two when someone is not fully focused on me. It is why I have not proposed," he smiled, shrugging. "It's just how it is. I've been to more seasons than you have."

Penelope laughed, heat radiating through her chest from comfort.

"You are such a good man. I suppose if I do not get married next season and you are not wedded either, we could revisit."

Nathaniel, Bennington nodded. "What a splendid idea, Miss Featherington! Most definitely!" he chuckled, twirling her around to the music.

"For now, I would love to continue our dance. I would like to escape these eager mamas. Talking to the rest of the girls here is dreary." 

Penelope beamed, a weight being lifted off her, creating a new kinship with Nathaniel. If she wasn't utterly still a fool for Colin, she would've married Nathaniel in a heartbeat.

Ah, but it was a possibility next season if he was not married by then. She giggled at the possibility, oh the possibility!

As for Colin, well, Colin would soon overlook this happened, and he would go on his travels again, and they would go back to normal. She just saw him briefly in the corner with his brother, and he looked natural. Her spirits lifted slightly. Yes, this wasn't so bad. Colin would go on his travels, they would write again, and all will be well.

Her relief was short-lived because there was a bustle starting. The music stopped, and a group of the newsboys came running in, bringing familiar papers.

Penelope stumbled back, dizzy from seeing the little boys hop around, throwing papers everywhere. Her body went numb as she felt her soul leave her body.

 _No, not today!_

They were supposed to circulate this on a day that did not have a party. Especially not at a party where she and Colin Bridgerton were present. _Especially_ not a party where Colin was present. The party was abuzz, everyone going ballistic over the news. Penelope glanced over at Cressida, who was silently shrieking at the corner.

As everyone read the article, she felt someone grasp her, and she was being pulled to a corner. She shut her eyes, she knew who it was. She remembers that warm grip anywhere.

It was Colin. A languid menacing Colin, similar to the Colin who found out she was Whistledown, just, more reserved. 

"Penelope, what is this?" he hissed once they were in a far corner. Away from everyone's earshot but still in view that would not be scandalous that they were alone. 

"I thought I took it?" he asked holding up the article, his eyes flickering to search her face, looking for answers.

She quickly avoided his gaze. Tight-lipped, clasping her hands in front of her as if to protect herself. She couldn't face Colin yet. It was too soon.

"You went back there, didn't you? By yourself. I told you not to post that article. I caught you even, I thought you didn't publish it," he seethed. "You rejected me, and you went back to… to post this?!" his voice trying its best to be contained.

Penelope flinched. Colin attempted remarkably well in holding his anger, and it was evident in the way he kept locking his jaw and swallowing. His breathing heavy, nostrils flaring. Colin was trying to be patient, and for that, Penelope was grateful. They both knew better than to cause a commotion.

He ran his hand through his hair, tousling it. Penelope remembers for a split second how that felt in her hands. 

"Penelope, why are you doing this? How could you be so reckless like this?" He placed his hands on her arms, squeezing her. Hoping to inject some sense into her, Penelope figured. 

"Do you know how dangerous this is if someone finds out?" this time, his voice softened, but his anger still showed in his eyes.

"Colin, please do not work yourself up over this. No one is going to find out!" she looked around to make sure no one was paying attention. No one was. Or so, she thought at the time.

"Do not worry, everyone is too preoccupied with what Lady Whistledown has to say," he spat. "They're not going to pay attention to us. Oh my God, Penelope." He shut his eyes and exhaled heavily. 

"Colin, I can not talk about this right now," she pleaded. There was just too much going on for her to concentrate on an angry Colin. A few days ago, whatever happened to them was still raw, and she didn't want to continue fighting with him; she just wanted to heal. 

"Please, I promise you, this is the last one—the last article. I promise you. Please, let's go back to normal. Let's dance like we used to; let's pretend this commotion never happened. I've had a few days to ponder-,"

"Penelope," Colin's eyes shot open. They were red, as if he was holding back tears, and looked at her in disbelief. His eyes wide, full of pain. A tight fist constricted around Penelope's heart. 

"If you think we can go about normally, you are mistaken. I do not want to go back to being just friends. We are not friends." he said quietly, his tone distressed and dejected. 

Tears stung her eyes; she was ready to cry but had to keep herself together; they were in public. 

"I have so many things I want to say to you, but I don't have the energy, and this," he waved around at the commotion she caused. "I don't know how to interpret this," he glared at her, piercing her heart. 

They stared at each other for the longest time. Penelope had nothing to say to him. Tension and electricity filling the air. 

Colin's face went slack his shoulders drooped. He shook his head, hands rubbing his forehead. Upon closer inspection, Penelope was wrong; he did not look natural; he looked tired as if he hadn't slept for days. Did she cause this?

"I understand," he ultimately said. "If you want to talk, you can look for me, you don't look like you want to talk, and this is not the place nor time."

Penelope felt her heart get ripped out again. 

"Oh my god!! Colin! Penelope! Have you seen this?" Eloise screeched, coming over to save the day. "This is amazing!"

Penelope could not have been happier that her best friend came to cut the tension. Penelope tore her eyes away from Colin and entertained Eloise, who was bugging out about the article. They conversed a little bit about it, and when Penelope had the courage to turn around and look at Colin, he was gone.

* * *

Penelope thought her night could not get any worse. It was ruined, and she was exhausted and heartbroken. After conversing with Eloise, she was getting ready to leave the party, which was still abuzz about Lady Whistledown. On a normal basis, she would've relished in this excitement, but not today. Today she couldn't handle the commotion. She didn't have the strength for it after talking to Colin.

"Penelope." A voice called out. It was Cressida. The last person Penelope ever wanted to talk to. She could not manage Cressida right now. She just wanted to go home and curl into a ball of sadness.

"Hello, Cressida, I am in a hurry to go home."

"You really are slippery, aren't you, Penelope?" The blonde spat out. 

"Excuse me?" Penelope turned around to look at Cressida. She had no time for this.

Cressida, with all her sneer, held up the Lady Whistledown article to Penelope's face.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, it would break my _heart_ to think that Cressida Twombley is taking credit, stealing my years of hard work... She is NOT Lady Whistledown.." she read what was in the article, with a voice so contemptuous, Penelope felt blows to her stomach.

Then she glared at Penelope and repeated something Penelope wished she never said weeks ago at Lady Danbury's party, in such a mocking voice, mimicking Penelope's. "I rather like Lady Whistledown, and it would break my _heart_ if it were Cressida Twombley…..sound familiar Penelope?" 

Penelope held her breath. 

"Or shall I say Lady Whistledown?" she smirked. 

Her night got much, much worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reception for this story is lovely! Oh my god, thank you so much! I love your comments-I have an outlet to scream with people about Polin. So I thank you! And I still laugh at the fact we all want Polin to be together with a happily ever after, but we also want Colin to suffer. Lol! One more chapter to go!


	7. Assuredly, fervently, loudly...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More notes at the end of the chapter. I do not have beta :( so mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

Penelope felt the world cave underneath her as one of her worst nightmares were materializing right in front of her. Cressida had found out. _Cressida found out. How?_

"You are very mistaken, Cressida," Penelope faltered. "That's preposterous." 

Cressida's face upturned into a sneer. "Oh, stop the ruse, Penelope. You used the same words; it _would break my heart_ in your article and how you speak. Do you think I would forget an insult? What an unfortunate misstep, silly little Featherington," she cackled. Oh, what an ugly laugh she had.

"No one will believe you." Penelope had to try, regardless of how futile.

"Oh, trust me, I could not believe it myself. You? Lady Whistledown? Impossible," she scoffed. Even while cornering her, Cressida manages to put her down. "But people would sit and wonder, and the pieces will fall, and they will know, and then you'll be ruined."

Penelope gritted her teeth. "What do you want, Cressida?"

"I realized people have been paying a pretty penny for your article… for years now," Cressida jeered at her. 

"How much do you want, Cressida?" Penelope knew Cressida was basically penniless. 

Cressida smiled. "And I thought to myself, why, Penelope would've amassed quite a bit-"

"How. much. Cressida." Penelope didn't have time to play games with this witch. 

"Ten thousand pounds."

Penelope gasped. That was most of her savings. The money she earned on her own, by herself. Something she was extremely proud of, all will be gone because of one greedy disgusting, horrible woman.

"You're mad!" Penelope said angrily, clenching her fists on her side. 

"No, just smart. I'll give you a week, Penelope. No more. And if I don't get what I want, everyone will know. And I will make sure you will be ruined." She smiled and looked at Penelope from top to bottom, giving her the side-eye. Penelope wanted to swing her fist to hit her in the face, but she could never. Even if she wanted to. "Toodles."

Penelope was left at the entrance in silence. She made a huge blunder when writing that article- that she was sure of. At the time, she was blinded with rage that she didn't restrain herself. Maybe she should've listened to Colin and refrained from posting her article. 

No, she shook her head. She was not going to regret this. 

She worked hard as Lady Whistledown. She wouldn't have changed a word in what she wrote. She was going to hold on to her conviction. She meant every word she said - Cressida was a liar, and she would never allow her to take credit for her work- 10 years worth! The stupid woman hadn't a talent in her life. Penelope was not going to let her take the credit.

_But now… now what Penelope?_

Penelope wanted to cry, but she held it in. She got into her carriage, tears threatened her eyes, but she didn't let it fall. She thought of ways to mitigate this. First, maybe paying Cressida to shut up makes sense, but then Cressida would always have this looming over her. On top of that, Cressida was despicable enough to keep asking for money. But if she didn't do as she asks, she would be ruined. And then no one would want to marry her, not even the sweet Baron, for they would also be ruined for associating with her. 

Penelope was cornered, she was cornered, and she was lost. She had absolutely no one to talk to. Who could she run to? 

Without even comprehending what she did, Penelope found herself in a hired hack right after her carriage dropped her off at her house, heading towards Bedford square. 

In the dead of night, she discovered herself in front of Colin's bachelor lodgings. 

She ruminated for a second, should she knock? Is he asleep? Would he want to see her? Penelope remembered the look he gave her when her mis-timed articles were distributed. He seemed disappointed. She turned around to see her carriage leave. Oh no, maybe she wouldn't go in. She could find another carriage. 

But as she took a step away from the front of his door, she mused. Why did she come here? 

She had no one to turn to except the one person who knew her identity. The one person who was extremely mad at her, who she was utterly still in love with, who keeps breaking her heart. 

She took a deep breath and knocked on his door. 

Silence. He wasn't at home. Oh well, she tried. As she turned to walk away she heard shuffling.

The door slowly creaked open. And there he was, a sleepy Colin Bridgerton in his breeches and white shirt untucked. Hair tousled, eyes drooping, and he smelled faintly of alcohol.

"Pe..Penelope? Is that you? What're you--" Colin drowsily mumbled, blinking lazily, trying to wake up. 

After seeing his face, Penelope finally allowed herself to cry, and she couldn't stop. 

* * *

That was when it hit him. His stomach clenched, and his heart sank to his chest. Colin's heart shattered seeing Penelope cry. His head pounded, and his thoughts swirled - believing that the world would end if he couldn't fix what she was weeping about. He immediately awoke, eyes wide. 

"Pen.. Penelope," he pulled her into his home and closed the door, drawing her into an embrace. She was trembling with sobs. 

He hugged her tightly, hoping the pressure would make her stop shaking. She wept into his chest, gripping the front of his shirt, unable to let go. 

"Pen.. Penelope, my love, whatever it is, we can fix it alright? We can fix it." He whispered gently, worried and in fear for her, stroking her hair. The way Penelope was crying meant it was something really damaging to her. He's seen Penelope tear up but never completely seen her break down like this. 

His whole being wanted to protect her, to just cocoon her in his arms and keep her safe forever. Whatever it was that was making her hurt, he wanted to destroy it. 

"No, we can't. Unless I keep paying Cressida until I die," she mumbled against his chest. 

"Cressida? What?" he pulled back to look at her. What on earth was she talking about?

And then, she explained. With each sentence she added that was accompanied by a sob, Colin grew more enraged. His whole body stiffened, heat ran through his veins. He swore he saw red and craved to personally wrangle Cressida, but that would make things worse for them. Maybe Benedict or Eloise can help hide the body. Heck, he was sure Anthony would oblige too just to protect the Bridgerton name…. It could work. 

At some point, Colin let go of Penelope so she could sit on his bed while he fetched her tea. As Penelope steadied her breathing and forced herself to stop crying, Colin contemplated. 

Unable to sit still with this information, he paced the room, running his hands through his hair. He was anxious and in panic for her. Fear for what could result in this reveal. Only he knew who she was, and he was trying his best to cope with it. He didn't know how others would accept it. The more he worried, the more he lost control.

He was enraged at Cressida for being a bitch, but he was also irate at Penelope for allowing this to happen. If only she didn't send out that last article to spite Cressida. He even warned her not to do it. He couldn't help but be furious with her again. His heart was aching because she was hurt, but he had to let her know how foolish she was. 

"Are you… mad at me?" she squeaked.

"Why, Penelope, didn't you just let her be Lady Whistledown? You can either let her be Lady Whistledown and let Lady Danbury pay her, or you keep paying her for the rest of your life? That's absurd. Why would you do that?" he blurted. He didn't want to hurt Penelope more than she already was, but this was utterly absurd. 

"Why won't you just let her be Lady Whistledown?" he clutched her arms and gripped tightly, his nails digging into her arms. Did she not know the gravity of the situation?

"Because it's my life's work, Colin!" she screamed, her eyes burning. Face red, tears streaming down her face, Penelope started to cry again. This time Colin released her, upset at himself for snapping at her.

"I worked vigorously for this. I started making my own money when I was six and ten. SIX and TEN! When all the girls were learning the names to all the suitors for that season, I had a vocation that I love!" Penelope declared passionately. She beamed in between her sobs. "I love writing. I love being Lady Whistledown."

"I will NOT let someone take that away from me, especially a bully like Cressida." She spat out as if Cressida's name burned her tongue. 

"I would rather die than have a cow like Cressida take credit for my hard-earned effort." A fist flew to her chest, and she kept it close to her chest as if protecting herself. Her eyes blazing with fire, with determination. 

"I created Lady Whistledown." Both her hands now splayed on her chest, over her heart. "It is mine, I own it, it's my legacy. I am so very proud of it," she said in one breath, puffing out her chest, before stopping to breathe in more rapidly. 

Colin gawked at her in wonder, in complete adoration for her. This whole time, he was unreasonable, but he recognized why. He was angry at her for being reckless, jealous of her because she had a legacy, and absolutely respected her because she had more ambition and strength than he did. Than most men did. 

His face flushed, and his heart, still aching for her, quickened. His once slack jaw, softened, his throat was dry, and his eyes were stinging.

In short, Colin Bridgerton was jealous, in awe, and utterly in love with her.

He loved everything about her.

He drifted towards her, erasing the distance between them, and pulled her tightly into his arms. She collapsed into him, and he held her, trying his best to be her pillar, her shoulder to cry on. They both slid to the ground. He rubbed her back as she continued weeping mercilessly against him. 

They were both silent except for Penelope's now lightening sobs. She was gradually calming down. Colin closed his eyes and exhaled, warmth spreading through his whole body as he held her. He felt so at home with her close to him. For a brief moment, he imagined letting her go, and his pulse spiked as despair twisted his heart. He did not appreciate the idea of letting her go at all.

"Penelope, marry me, please. We can solve this together."

Penelope gasped and pushed against his chest away from him. She glared at him, eyes puffy, and shook her head. 

"Colin, I told you I won't marry you. And even if I wanted to, I can't. Your name will be ruined being associated with me. Cressida will never be done with me. I won't do that to anyone, and especially not to you and your family." Penelope was adamant. "I will absolutely not."

Colin pushed himself far back enough to seize her shoulders, making her glance at him. He stared intensely into her tear-filled eyes. 

"Penelope, please listen to me. I was a fool for the longest time. I desire to be someone to you, not just anyone but the person most important to you. I need to protect you." Desperation clawed at Colin. He needed and wanted to reason with her. He conceded that he'd hurt her for the longest time, and if only she'd allow him to explain, maybe she would understand.

Penelope licked her lips nervously, her eyes wide and questioning. She was about to speak, but Colin laid a finger to her lips. "Please, allow me-I have to finish, you need to hear me… because it just caught me. Or rather, I suppose it's been brewing for a prolonged period." 

Penelope exhaled and nodded. His throat continued to tighten as he struggled to articulate his words. 

"I.. I always thought.. my little sister's best friend was always around; therefore, I didn't have to worry as you were always there. Always around. When you became _my_ dearest friend, again, I thought you would always still be there, as my friend." He cringed when Penelope's lips flattened. She did not like what she was gathering, but he needed to finish.

"I...I thought all I required was merely your companionship - a dance every season, a letter on every trip, a sharp and witty chat about the ton at parties…" he smiled faintly, remembering all the pieces he did with Penelope throughout the years.

"But as time passed, _no_ , none of it is enough," he shook his head. "By the time I comprehended my tumultuous feelings for a dear friend, I was already so deep...so deeply…" he trailed off. 

He cupped her face in his hands, gazing into her beautiful light eyes, "I discerned none of it is enough. I want all of you, Penelope Featherington. I want all your dances. I want all your letters, all your words, all your joy, and pain forever…" Colin whispered, his heart filling up with so much adoration for her. The words that were coming out of his mouth were shocking, but he meant all of it. He dipped down to kiss her wet soft cheek, tasting her tears.

He pulled back, both his hands on Penelope's face, resting his forehead against hers. Nose touching and lips so close, their breaths intermingled.

"I am infinitely remorseful for all the times I've hurt you and never realized. I was remarkably blind and unaware." He declared, with bitter disappointment prickling at his chest. "I remember and recognize all the times I've hurt you, and if you permit me, I promise you I will make it up to you."

Exhaling loudly. He tried again.

"So I beg you, Penelope Featherington, let me share this pain with you. Let me protect you, solve it for you, as your husband. Just let me love you, please." He begged, gazing into her eyes. 

Penelope's eyes welled up anew. Her eyebrows squished together as she flickered rapidly. Colin's face paled, the world around him froze - was she declining him again? 

"Colin, I do not... I do not know what to suppose from this," she stammered, giving him a slight head shake. Her hands coming up to hold his hands on her face. "I've been thoroughly dragged along all these years with false hope and rejection." She whispered wistfully. "I don't want to mayhap dare even think of what you are trying to say …"

 _Oh god, Oh god!_

How much did he put her through that she couldn't understand his confession right now? It was clear as day, however, she simply couldn't accept it. He was shattering on the inside, her words ripping through him like a blade because he did this to her. He wished he nevermore had to hurt her like this again, ever. In fact, he vowed he would never hurt her again and would be damned if anyone else hurts her again. 

He slowly rose up and brought Penelope with him. He let go of her as she stood in front of him, puzzled. 

"Penelope." He went down on one knee, clasping her hand in both of his. "When one finds themself in such a position.. Where one is in love, one should declare it." he took a deep breath, a lump at the back of his throat. He pushed through. "Assuredly… fervently… loudly…"

"Oh!" Penelope gasped once she realized what was transpiring. 

Tears began falling down Penelope's face. Colin faintly smiled. Yes, he was quoting her exact words, she said years ago, her first season. He had an inkling of what she wanted to say, he saw it in her eyes for a moment, and he cut her off because he didn't know what he would have done at the time if she confessed then. He was afraid, but now… now he was so very sure. He was ready. It was inevitable that he would have ended with Penelope. It just took 10 years and change.

"Penelope Featherington, sincerely with all my heart and soul, I love you." His heart hammered against his chest, he was nervous, but he gave her the toothiest crooked Colin Bridgerton smile. He was delighted as if a weight had been lifted off him. 

"Stupid Colin," she replied, choking in between sobs. "I wanted to say that to you years ago, but you didn't let me." She sniffled, tears flowing down her face absolutely uncontrollably. 

"I know…" he murmured, kissing her hand.

"Do you still love me? I know I am years too late, but do you still love me?" Colin was terrified of her answer. 

"If not," he answered briskly, trembling from what she had to say. "If not, I'll work laboriously to make you love me again, I promise, I will-"

"Colin Bridgerton, stop speaking for once." she sighed, pulling him all the way up. "I suppose I love you," she murmured. Then laughed when Colin grimaced at her answer. "I never stopped, I suspect. I-I tried to, and I thought I did, but… no, I never stopped."

Colin moved towards her and pulled her into his embrace. She belonged here in his arms. He knew he had to protect her forever or die trying. He kissed her forehead. 

"Regardless, I, with pleasure, will make up all these lost years with you. I promise to cherish, protect you, and love you. I require you to be happy with me." He said as he clasped her tightly. She sighed lovingly into his chest. 

They were both home. 

"However, I still have not yet procured an answer...are you going to marry me or not, Penelope Featherington?" He asked his voice firm but had a whimsical tone to it. Even Though they just confessed, he held his breath. Penelope could still cast a curve and refuse him. He had been such an ass for the longest time. Nevertheless, the words that flowed out of her lips made him the most fortunate man in all of London.

"Yes. Yes, I will."

* * *

"Are you sure you want to marry me? I'm not pretty. I'm practically a spinster." Penelope spoke, laying in bed with Colin. After their confession, Penelope could hardly say no to Colin when he advanced on her. 

Once he kissed her so fiercely and deeply, moving his hands so expertly, caressing her body all over, and whispered for her to "stay," she knew what she agreed to.

And it was magical. Her entire body felt surreal, her heart was full, she felt complete.

"Penelope Featherington. I will smack your bottom again one more time if you dare be negative about yourself repeatedly." Colin growled sharply, snaking a hand around her bare bottom; he pushed her naked body flush against his. Her chest pressed against his; she was getting aroused again, and so was he as he slowly ground his hips against hers.

Colin leaned down to kiss her neck, and she sighed, a surge of delight flowing through her.

"Believe me, I am trading up. You are gorgeous, witty, intelligent, you're Lady Whistledown, for god's sake. You own the article that sells more than newspapers, you've fooled us for years. You are particularly the most amazing human I know."

"You're magnificent, truly absolutely magnificent. And I do not want to give you to anyone, ever." He snarled. "I couldn't bear it." 

"In fact, I am very cross that another noticed. I wanted to be the only one who noticed, just me." He sulked. Penelope couldn't help but quiver in fits of giggles. Colin was such a child sometimes, and she loved that about him. She lamented dreamily, then remembered she had a much bigger problem in the form of a sneering witch. Her face fell, and Colin, being observant, caught onto that instantly.

"Penelope?" he queried softly.

"You know, Lady Danbury can take the fall. She would be happy to." Penelope suggested to him abruptly. She just wanted this Cressida problem to go away so she can be happy and live her life with Colin.

"Do not fuss, my darling, I have an idea of what to do," he replied, his eyes sparkling with mischief. He had an idea! Penelope shivered; it excited her whenever Colin was unscrupulous like that. He had a plan, and he wasn't telling her! She was oh so curious.

"Would you kindly tell me of your plans?" she asked coyly. Colin beamed at her and shook his head, he gripped her hips, making her squeal. He rolled on top of Penelope, trapping her hands on the sides of her face. He bent down to pepper kisses on her lips, cheeks, and neck, sending shivers down her spine.

"Penelope, please do not fret about it. Just plan the wedding. We need to get married posthaste." His tone was soft and loving, yet so roguish. It thrilled her to the bone. She was so happy to be marrying him. She nodded as he entwined their fingers together in a tight grip.

"Leave it to me. I'll take care of you. I assure you, time and time again, I will protect you with everything I have. You are my best friend, my love, my life," He gave her his most lopsided tender smile. The way he gazed at her enveloped her in such love and warmth.

She was so very happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI I AM SCREAMING! (I didn't want to scream at the beginning of the story bc I have a lot to say). BRIDGERTON S2 IS A-GO-GO. SO HAPPY!! WE’RE GONNA BE ON THIS RIDE FOR ANOTHER YEAR OR TWO AT LEAST SO LET’S GET COSY AND SNUGGLE UP!!! AS SNUGGLEY AS POLIN AT THE END OF THIS CHAP.
> 
> (takes a deep breath) Now, I absolutely have a problem in thinking my chapters are short, and they are not. At all. And I was just so excited over the news I kept keyboard bashing. So technically, there will be another chapter. So sorry! But you can gather this like an ending, so I still kept my word that this is kind of like the final chapter, just maybe with an epilogue haha-whoops. Hope that's okay! The absolute last chapter is mostly about telling the family and giving Cressida the equivalent of a regency bitch slap. But as for their angst, it has ended here :'( ....maybe. ahahahahah.
> 
> One more chapter and this will be uber duper complete. And everything else will be one-shots. If you'd like to follow those, Do sub/bookmark the series as I will be posting their first night shown here briefly (Rated E) there, will continue to update the series sporadically on stuff including the wedding! Because of course! That needs its own fic because OF COURSE?!
> 
> Hit me up on twitter @katsucrizz to yell more about POLIN bc I love them so!
> 
> Again, let me know what you think, I absolutely love chatting with ya'll in comments. Thank you so much for loving this fic as much as I! Let’s hope season 2 has the beginnings of jealous Colin! haha! I CAN'T WAIT OMG.


	8. Wander/Wonder Lust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all, incoming long chapter but it is the last chapter so I hope I get a pass on that! Do enjoy!

The next few days, Colin was a man with a mission. The first thing he did was notify Portia Featherington he was going to marry Penelope. 

Holy hell almighty, was that was an endeavour by itself. Colin wished he could whisk Penelope away and elope because Portia was unbearable to deal with. Not that he didn't like her, but she was very dismissive of Penelope for the longest time. Colin had to look forward to the fact this will be his mother-in-law, till death does he and Penelope part. Not a problem at all, as long as he had Penelope. However, his head throbbed immensely speaking to Portia.

"Lady Featherington," Colin calmly enunciated after going in circles with her to explain that he was indeed marrying Penelope. 

Portia reacted as though he was speaking in another language, and for a moment, Colin thought he was because Portia wasn't comprehending him. He swore he spoke in the Queen's English.

"You are not hearing me. I am marrying Penelope Featherington, your third daughter, this beautiful woman next to me." he had to be specific with Portia because she didn't hear him the first time and offered up Felicity.

She did it again.

"What?" She shook her head. "No, No, Mr Bridgerton, perhaps there is a misunderstanding. She is to marry the Baron. However, I have Felicity if you are interested in another Featherington? She just debuted and is much younger than Penelope. Oh, she'll do very well for you!"

Colin blinked at Portia. He was speechless. Did she just put Penelope down while offering up her youngest daughter? 

Absolutely absurd. 

However, he knew how much Penelope loved her mother, and while he wanted to go off, he contained it. He should've received an honor for only blurting out:

"Pardon me. I think not?" 

He slowly turned to gawk at Penelope in disbelief. She gaped back at him with apologetic eyes, big and round like saucers. 

"Mama, the Baron hasn't asked me, and I haven't an actual proposal from him either, we've been courting over a fortnight, and nothing has happened," Penelope tried to clarify in vain. Portia waved her hand, dismissing what Penelope had to say. 

"Nonsense, he was talking about proposing, but apparently, he was waiting for you. Penelope, I told you, you'd be an idiot not to try harder. I've no inkling why you would hesitate he was right under your thumb, Penelope!"

Colin grunted, grabbing Penelope's hand and squeezed hard; she grimaced. Colin was infuriated over 3 points: One, Penelope's mother being entirely ludicrous, two, he felt a prickle of jealousy when the Baron's name came up, and three, the way Portia spoke about Penelope pissed him off. His patience wore thin. 

"Lady Featherington. Pardon if I am rude." 

_Because I am going to be_ , he figured. 

"Colin, it is not necessary," Penelope whispered, her eyes wide. Penelope knew his temper well by now. She had been in the crosslines of it often. Colin shook his head; he was going to continue as politely as he could. 

"With all due respect, I am not _asking_ ; I am _telling_ you I am marrying Penelope. She will be my wife, and that is all there is to it. With that, I would appreciate it if you would be treating my future wife with much more respect than that," he asserted tightly, keeping his tone as calm as possible.

Nevertheless, his future wife squeezed his hand gently, her thumb rubbing his palm that was clutching hers. She was attempting to soothe him, and for the most part, it worked. Colin felt the tension leave his body, and he unwound. 

"She will be a Bridgerton, and she will be well taken care of," he declared, the tightness in his tone lifting softly when he spoke about Penelope. 

"Penelope?" Portia finally looked at Penelope with wide, confused eyes, and her mouth curled into an O.

Penelope beamed at her mother, her eyes welling up. "Mama, I very much would like to marry Col-Mr.Bridgerton," she nodded enthusiastically. "Very much so!" 

Portia was dumbfounded, looking back and forth between Penelope and Colin. Then with a strangled sob, she walked over to Penelope and gave her a hug. 

"Very well then, Penelope, if that's what you want," Portia eventually answered as Penelope hugged her back, sniffling out loudly. 

Colin breathed a sigh of relief, handing Penelope his handkerchief as the two women cried. But now the next hump - he told Lady Featherington to keep quiet. Penelope didn't think she could do it, but Colin coerced his soon to be mother-in-law she wouldn't be invited to plan their wedding if she breathed a word of this.

"You wouldn't dare!" Portia puffed.

Colin quirked a brow. He had a brewing plan, and he will not let anyone, including his future mother-in-law, ruining it. This involved their engagement being secret until his sister's, the Duchess of Hasting's big ball in a few days.

"Lady Featherington, this is very important. I am only letting you know to ask for Penelope's hand in marriage. This has to be a secret."

"I want the whole world to know, it's going to be challenging!" Portia whined. "First the Baron, now a Bridgerton, who knew a Featherington would be a catch!"

"Oh, _ho_ , Lady Featherington, not to worry, I give you my word, the whole world and more will know," he gave Portia a toothy grin and a wink. Portia squeaked out an _"oh!"_ and she went back to being charmed by him. Mission accomplished. 

When they left the Featherington home, Colin couldn't hold his opinions about Portia.

"Absurd, your mother is absolutely absurd," he murmured. 

"She means well," Penelope started giggling. He knew Penelope loved her mother dearly. Therefore, though exasperating, he was glad he asked Portia first. However, there was unrest in his chest. Something was eating at him from what Portia said. Clenching his hands, he exhaled loudly and faced Penelope. 

"Was he going to propose?" Colin abruptly asked Penelope.

"Huh?" Penelope stilled and glanced up at him, puzzled by the switch in tone.

"The Baron, whats his name." Colin did not care for his name. "Was he going to propose? My mother and your mother were extremely persuaded he was." Colin's jealousy piled. 

He was probably unwarranted in his jealousy. It was clear Penelope loved him and no one else, but he was starting to learn he was very irrational when it came to his future wife. It seemed like the Baron was really close to proposing to Penelope. He shuddered; it made him queasy. 

"Colin Bridgerton, are you jealous?" Penelope suggested, quirking a brow, her lips upturned into a demure smile. 

If they weren't out in public walking towards the Bridgerton house, he would've already pushed her against a wall and would've gladly wiped that smug look off her lips with his own. 

_Hm,_ he had plans for her later on then. 

Colin narrowed his eyes at her. "I've come to accept I have been jealous ever since he came into the picture, so forgive me if I do not like his presence, and I'd rather you not speak to him, ever." He gruffed.

"Well if he didn't you wouldn't realize," she shrugged.

"Even if he wasn't in the mix, trust me, I would've realized you. I always have," he stated intensely. He had to make her realize this wasn't sudden; it built over time for him. "I understand the Baron was a catalyst, but this would've happened regardless."

Penelope's eyes grew, her eyes welled up, and her hand flew to her chest.

"Oh, Colin," she murmured. 

It was a burning question he wanted to ask but didn't want to know the answer to. But he asked anyway. 

"If he did propose, would you have said yes to him? Would you?" He scowled at her. What if he was too late? Would he have lost Penelope, just like that? The thought made bile rise up his throat. 

Penelope shifted nervously, her eyes gazing at everything except Colin. 

"Uhmm.."

A pang ran through Colin, he pressed a hand to his forehead, feeling a vein throbbing, and he held up his other hand as Penelope was going to answer. 

"On another thought, disregard it. I do not need your answer, for I do not care for your answer. I regret to inform you, Miss Penelope Featherington, even if you did say yes, I'd kidnap you and take you away. Everything else be damned."

For a moment, Penelope stared at him incredulously. Then, she broke into laughter, her eyes sparkling, her face glowing red. He had a strong desire to pull her into an embrace and kiss her senseless but had to refrain. 

"Oh, of course Mr. Colin Bridgerton. Everything else be damned indeed for you, a Bridgerton, " she rolled her eyes, teasing him. They had a funny way of being serious and then cracking jokes the next. He loved it, and he loved her. 

They found themselves at the front of the Bridgerton home.

"Shall we, Penelope Featherington?" He asked, straightening his posture. He laid a hand behind his back, and the other extended out for her to link through his as if to promenade. She linked her arms through his and clutched him. 

Even the slightest thought that Penelope couldn't be his wife terrified and angered him to the core. He shook. He couldn't think of a life without Penelope now. He couldn't trace where and when it happened, even looking back over the years. But it was slow, gradual, unassuming to a point where Colin's whole vision was just Penelope.

It took him over 10 years to realize that what he felt for Penelope was love or more than that. Once he accepted it, he was all consumed by his love for her. 

His mother called it _"akin to a dam breaking."_

Once inside the Bridgerton home, Colin rounded up his family and announced his engagement to Penelope. His entire family roared in delight: _'It's about time!', Finally!, 'Only took ten years!'_ , it was endless. However, his mother was the most telling. 

"Oh! It was akin to a crack in the dam ever since Penelope's little bonnet flew, and you fell on your little bottom!" his mother exclaimed, clapping her hands together. 

"I can't believe you remembered that Lady Bridgerton!" Penelope gasped, a hand flying to her lips.

"Oh nonsense Penelope, mother already married Colin off to you since that day," Benedict grinned.

Lady Bridgerton nodded enthusiastically, her eyes sparkling with joy. "Precisely!" 

Colin reddened. "Mother, do not embarrass me." A sense of joy struck his heart. 

"And all those times you've danced, the crack grew bigger," his mother patted Colin's cheek. Then she turned around to practically bounce towards Penelope and pulled her into a big motherly hug. He used to think his mother's constant whine about him courting Penelope was irritating, but now, he wished to God he listened. He would've married this amazing woman sooner. Mother knows best is a fact. 

"And when the Baron came in, oh, I never anticipated that," Violet said with glee. "So very unanticipated but most lovely!" She pulled back to look at Penelope. The way his mother's eyes sparkled with such softness when looking at Penelope made his chest swell with emotion. This felt perfect, this whole picture. 

Colin walked over to them, and Violet peered sideways at him.

A wide grin gracing his mother's face. "The crack just needed a tap!" her finger tapped Colin's cheek. "And inviting him over to high tea was just the lovely push I think it needed."

"Mother! That's diabolical!" Colin said with a gasp, a hand flying to his cheek his mother tapped. He was utterly flabbergasted at his mother. 

Except for Anthony, his brothers were howling with laughter as they all patted him on each side of his shoulder. 

Eloise stared at her mother. "Mother, you truly inspire me," Eloise said, putting a hand to her chest.

Daphne shook her head. "You and Lady Danbury, utterly sublime schemesters."

Eloise then screeched and lunged towards Penelope wrapping her arms around her neck. "Sisters! We're actually sisters now!" She giggled. "Oh, how I wish Lady Whistledown would see this, she would go absolutely mad!" 

Penelope shifted her eyes and stole a glance at Colin, who was already raiding the food tray in the room. He gazed back at her with a grin. 

Anthony, however, was the least excited. He took Colin and Penelope to the side. "Brother," he massaged his forehead. "Delighted for you and Penelope, but she has been seen being courted by the Baron for a fortnight and nary at all by you, it's going to look pretty scandalous with you suddenly swooping in to marry Penelope. And you have been entangled in a scandal more than once with the Featheringtons. No offense Penelope."

"Oh none taken, Lord Bridgeton, a scandal with a Featherington is most unpopular," Penelope said with a short curtsy. Her voice and actions were so mocking that Colin had to choke back a laugh to not alert Anthony of her satire. She was such a barb. Well, she was Whistledown and that woman had fantastic humour.

He scowled at his brother, trust Anthony to be such a downer in such happy moments. 

"It would be even more scandalous if I didn't marry her, and then you'd have to duel me for her honor, and I'd rather skip that," he narrowed his eyes at Anthony. 

"Colin!" Penelope gasped, her face turning red from embarrassment. The only way to get Anthony off his back is by way of _*honor or bust*._ Anthony's favorite creed to go by. If you kiss a girl or suck on her collar, you marry her, and Colin has done that and more. Much more, he thought as a mischievous smile sported his face.

Anthony groaned. "Colin..." Colin knew Anthony was already regretting approaching him. Serves him right. 

Colin shrugged and ate a cookie. "It's been pent up for years." He took another bite of his cookie nonchalantly. 

"Colin!" Penelope jumped up to cover Colin's mouth. Colin finished eating his cookie before he stuck his tongue out to lick Penelope's palm. She jerked back and glared at him but kept her palm on his mouth.

Anthony gaped at Penelope, amazed. Colin couldn't help but smirk underneath Penelope's hand. Anthony was presumably thinking, _innocent ol' Penelope?_ If only he knew.

"If anything, brother, we'd probably need help to move the wedding up," he winked at his brother, who sighed.

Anthony flapped his hand. "No more, I refuse to hear anymore. I am going to defer this to you, and you can tell mother yourself." He then looked at Penelope and smiled holding his arms wide open. "Kate and I are extremely delighted you are joining the family."

Penelope smiled and embraced him as Benedict decided to come over to give her a hug as well. 

"Don't leave me out, newest sister-in-law. Are you sure you want him, though? He has no title, and the Baron does. It's not too late to run," Benedict whispered. Penelope laughed as Colin punched his brother in the arm.

Colin smiled at the sight of his family with Penelope. He was content, and this was picture perfect. It was no doubt this was the right choice. His family had always loved Penelope. There was no other way his life would have concluded.

"Darling, I have to talk to my brothers," he told Penelope. He looked at his sister's and mother. "Take care of her while I'm away."

Eloise rolled her eyes. "Honestly, Colin, I've been taking care of her far longer than you have." Penelope chuckled as she went off with Eloise to have tea with her in-laws.

"Anthony, Benedict, may I speak with you? I have a predicament I need assistance with," Colin asked as he took his brothers away to the study to discuss how they could help Penelope.

* * *

Penelope was anxious because after Colin announced to his family and her mother that he would marry her, he practically disappeared. Granted, she was busy planning her wedding quietly with his sisters and their mothers, so there was no time to see him.

Did he change his mind? So soon? Maybe he came to his senses.

An alarm started to creep into her mind, but she shook it away. It didn't stop her palms from being sweaty or her heart to crunch in her chest. However, today was different, today Penelope felt like falling apart because it was exactly a week from when Cressida blackmailed her. She had to pay Cressida or she, (and to an extent Colin once everyone found out about their engagement would be ruined.) Maybe it was a great thing Colin hasn't contacted her in days, he should be spared from the misery of her life. Penelope would have spiraled into an anxiety-driven day if the Bridgerton's did not save her.

Eloise barged into Penelope's home and dragged her across to the Bridgerton's, where all the Bridgerton ladies ran around. Penelope was perplexed at first, but Eloise gave her a letter whilst Kate accompanied her to one room.

Penelope opened the letter.

_Hello My Love,_

_My family will be bringing you to my sister's ball tonight. There is a dress for you to wear. Please do not fret over a thing. I know today is a difficult day, but I have promised I'd protect you with everything I have. I intend to keep that promise. Therefore, please enjoy yourself and stay by their side at all times until I come for you._

_I love you._

_Colin_

Penelope's tension that she held in the last few days dissolved instantly, with just a letter. Her eyes watered, and she exhaled. She loved this man so dearly. She smiled, looking up to see Kate hold up a beautiful flower jacquard embroidered sage green dress which she promptly was made to wear.

"Oh!" 

"He knows your colors," Kate murmured, gazing at Penelope thoughtfully. "He really knows you."

Penelope blushed as she looked down at her dress. She then looked at Kate and grinned. "You probably told him."

Kate chuckled. "Anyone with eyes can see you need green to go with your beautiful hair and eyes. Colin just agreed, and I quote even said she will look good in anything. That man adores you so."

Penelope reddened further. She had no idea what a romantic Colin actually was. She was so learning so many parts of him. Even parts no one knew has existed in him, like his temper and jealousy, which he masks behind charm and jokes. Penelope was so happy she was the only one that knew about this as she was the only one that could maneuver him.

And so that night, Penelope was whisked to the Duke and Duchess of Hasting's party. Everyone who was of important standing was present. And everyone who was of the worst caliber, Lady Cressida Twombley, was too. She started to panic again as she thought of Cressida. Plenty of thoughts swirled in her head, and her heartbeat raced from extreme distress. 

Maybe Penelope could go to Lady Danbury and talk to her about it. So she slowly veered from the Bridgertons, but she was promptly pulled back.

"Apologies, Penelope. You are not allowed from our sight," Hyacinth said with authority. 

"Pardon?"

"She's right, Pen," Eloise said excitedly. "We got strict orders from colin to stick to you like-"

"GLUE!" Hyacinth chirped. "Glue!!"

"What?" Penelope stared at the older Bridgerton's like Kate, Violet, and Daphne. All giving her an apologetic smile.

"I am afraid so," Daphne said. "The men were awfully suspicious. Colin took Simon away, Simon! Not me!" she said, flabbergasted. 

"You are not allowed near two people," Eloise mentioned before Hyacinth jumped in again. 

"Glue! We are to stick to you like glue!"

"And one especially is not allowed near you," Daphne said, eyeing a certain sneering blond across the room. 

Penelope gasped. Violet linked her arms through Penelope's. "Whatever Colin has planned, do trust him, dear. I've never seen him so focused on anything before," she said. "So do relax. We will be by your side, if not, Colin will never forgive us. "

Violet's soothing motherly voice calmed Penelope, and while she didn't fully calm down, she was definitely feeling better. A sense of weightlessness engulfing her. She had never felt so loved and protected by this many people before. This was what it felt like to be a Bridgerton. 

* * *

When Colin had a plan, he stuck to it. When he wanted to climb the Alps, he did it while nearly dying from the cold. When he wanted to swim across the English channel, while only doing it halfway, he was proud to say he did it. When he wanted his wife to have peace of mind and not worry her whole life because of a greedy woman, he was going to make it happen.

He tasked his family to protect Penelope, mostly from Cressida. The very sight of Cressida appalled him. He detested her. 

"Brother, you're supposed to be sporting a cool appearance for your little shenanigans," Anthony reminded. "You look like you want to wring a cat's neck."

"He does, though," Simon chided. Colin told Simon about Penelope when he arrived, only because he needed Simon's support and the main balcony that overlooked the party. "He looks like he wants to wring a nasty cat's neck."

Colin grinned. "I'll behave. But thank you, you two."

"If I didn't take care of Daphne's brother, what husband am I?" Simon winked. "And do not fret, Lady Danbury knows details, as predicted, she was, amused and delighted."

Colin nodded appreciatively at Simon. "Thank you." After telling Simon, Simon went off to tell Lady Danbury just in case things went south and they needed another support. 

"I've never seen that woman be so happy to be giving away 1000 pounds before." Simon chuckled. "In fact, she offered 10,000 pounds to keep this going because she's heartbroken it will end."

Colin laughed and shook his head. "Appreciated, but not necessary." 

"And what Viscount am I? When I am feared and can't protect my little brother," Anthony grinned. "You have our support. Now, go get er'."

"I already have her," Colin puffed his chest out proudly.

"You sure?" Benedict asked, popping up behind Colin, a mischievous grin on his face. He pointed over at the Baron who was present and walking towards Penelope. "You must make haste, brother! Before the titled Baron makes Penelope change her mind!"

"Shut up, Benedict," Colin hissed, smacking his brother in the stomach. But Colin did make haste and practically sprinted across the room to intercept this encounter.

He accelerated so rapidly he slid on the smooth marbled floor, grabbing onto Penelope as he neared her, halting him to a stop. 

"Colin!" Penelope exclaimed, eyes bulging. "You frightened me!" 

"Whatever are you doing?" his mother scowled.

"I need to borrow Penelope," he said, looking behind him to see the Baron smile and give him a nod of defeat before Portia accosted him and grabbed his attention. 

"Let's go, it's time. Thanks for taking care of her," he smiled at the Bridgerton ladies and whisked Penelope off. He took her to a corner that led to the stairs, away from the ton.

"Colin-"

He then pushed her against the wall, kissing her, urging her lips apart as he swept into her mouth, tasting her. 

"I've missed you so." He exhaled against her lips. He was only away from her for a few days, and that in itself was unbearable. He just needed to be alone and close to her for a short moment.

"I've missed you too. I thought you changed your mind," she said softly. 

He frowned, pressing himself against her body before crushing his lips against hers again, his kiss demanding, breathing her into him. His hands cupped her face, then sliding back to her neck so she couldn't get away from his hungry kisses. 

Her fingers tangled in his hair, gripping and pulling against it. He never stopped kissing her as she shuddered in his hands and sighed into his mouth. His hands slid down to cup one of her breasts through her dress. Ugh, he was so ready to take her here. 

She gasped, her eyes bulging open. "Oh my God! Colin! Stop what are we doing with a room full of people next to this wall?"

"Punishing you for having such thoughts, do you think so little of me?" He asked, slightly upset at her, but he couldn't fault her either. He's given her so much pain for the last decade. He was also extremely aroused, he inadvertently punished himself too by default. Backfired. 

"No, I love you very much," Penelope answered. 

"And I, you," he cupped her face and gazed into her eyes. "I adore you. And worship the ground you walk on." 

Penelope's cheeks and neck were crimson red. Colin didn't know if it was from their rendezvous or from what he said. 

"I am going to do something, and you might hate me for it." He rested his forehead against hers, closing his eyes. 

"I could never hate you," she breathed. 

"You might."

"I doubt it. Let's see, you said you were never going to marry me, you nearly married my cousin and said pretty terrible things this year including, and I quote, you'll never be happy for me," Penelope raised her fingers to count. Colin grabbed her fingers and pushed them down. He didn't need visuals. 

"Penelope, that was concerning to I will never be happy for you if you aren't with me," he gritted his teeth. "As for the other two issues, I was but a child." He cringed. He was going to have to make up for this for an eternity. He was ready. 

Penelope laughed. "I was joking, for the most part."

"You are cruel, but unfortunately, I will be worse," He pulled her up the stairs to a balcony overlooking the whole party. There was a curtain at the opening. 

"Stay hidden until I call you out."

"Colin?" Penelope's voice trembled, unsure.

"Please, trust me. Remember when I said I will protect you with everything I have?"

She nodded.

"Well, it arises that I have a lot." he snickered. "So, please."

Colin had a plan. Not a foolproof one but most likely an effective one. Penelope might not like it. In fact, it was probably going to give his future wife a lot more leverage in this relationship than she already had. Well, he was prepared to make it up to her for the rest of his life. 

Colin emerged on the balcony, and he caught Simon's eye, who nodded, and he told the band to stop playing and clinked his glass for everyone to pay attention. 

"Good day everyone, tis I Colin Bridgerton. You might wonder why it is I and not my family, the Duke or Duchess of Hasting's here today even though this is their party. Well, they have graciously made it into my surprise engagement party."

Even through the surprised guests' noise, he could hear Penelope gasp loudly behind the curtain. True, she had no idea, but, for all the times she surprised him, it was his turn to surprise her. Portia got her wish, the world and more will know of his engagement to Penelope. He received a roaring applause and a few shouts of " _to who!?"._

"Why yes, I am getting married. I have known this person all my life, and it was inevitable I would marry her, it just took a long time, partly on the stupidity in my part," the guests laughed. 

"As you know I'm a wanderlust, I love travelling. But recently, I find myself in a predicament of being in wonder and awe of a certain person who keeps surprising me at every turn. You could call me wonderlust over this person."

The ton laughed lightly, some clapping. 

"I would truly put my life fiercely for this person. Therefore, if anyone," he flashed a gaze at Cressida, who was at the far back, but he knew she knew he was directing this because she took a step back. "Tries to hurt her in any way. They will have to respond to me." Colin made sure Cressida and everyone else heard it. For a moment, his usual charm faded as he got his point across. However, instantly he turned it back on with a crooked grin. 

"This person is absolutely delightful, amazing, I worship the ground she walks on. She completes me."

A few hollers came from the men at the party, and a few sighs from the woeful ladies were heard.

"Everyone, I, Colin Bridgerton, will be marrying… Lady Whistledown."

The ton gasped, Cressida's shriek at the back of the party could be heard, but from the ton's gasps and chatter, she was drowned out. She wailed and tried to push through the crowd, perhaps trying to get to the middle of the crowd to ruin this, as he and his brothers predicted. 

On cue, he saw Anthony step in front of her, and she balked, nodded an apology, and sidestepped to pass him, but Benedict stood in front of her to stop her passing through. 

He loved his brothers.

Perfect.

Colin delighted in this, the shock on the ton's face, Cressida's wail, he knew he said the right things. He will continue to say the right things to steer the narrative and to protect his future wife. 

He turned around to look at a very terrified Penelope still standing in the shadows away from the ton. Her eyes bulged, her mouth hung open. She was going to murder him, indefinitely. However, this was the only way, and she was retiring. He wanted her to be proud of her legacy and everyone should know the mastermind behind this. 

He made sure loose ends would be tied here and now. He had Anthony to protect them, no one dared to cross him, and he had the Duke and Duchess of Hasting's support as well as Lady Danbury. None of them would let them be ruined. 

He extended out his hand towards her for her to take it. She hesitated, staring at him, fear in her eyes, mouth agape. She shook her head. 

"I love you, trust me," he said to her, and with that she exhaled and placed her hand in his, still away from the ton's gaze.

Turning back to the ton, Colin continued. 

"You must be wondering, who is this lady Whistledown? The one who has outsmarted the ton for over a decade and has brilliantly written such scintillating and humorous articles that have blessed us all these years? Let's also acknowledge that this person filled our days with anticipation of the next story, hoping that our name will be featured in full in her article."

A few murmurs and nods floated in the room. As Colin spoke, he saw how integral Lady Whistledown was to this society and he was so gratified. His heart swelled. He was marrying a legend.

"Well, everyone, I give you, the most amazing, most wonderful, brilliant…oh you'll know her -- Penelope Featherington." 

And as he said that, he pulled Penelope out from behind the balcony curtain into the light. The ton was in utter silence except for the sobs coming from the back, from Cressida. 

Then, a loud and proud clap could be heard at the back from none other than Lady Danbury. With her cane up in her hand clapping the other, she was absolutely rooting and advocating for Lady Whistledown with all her might. "Bravo!" she exclaimed loudly. "Bravo, you brilliant lady!" 

Next, the Bridgertons and the Hastings all clapped loudly and proudly, then the Featheringtons. Penelope choked out a sob.

And slowly, one by one, the ton clapped. Within minutes the whole party roared with astonishment at this reveal. Cressida nowhere to be found now. 

Penelope had tears running down her eyes as everyone continued giving her a standing ovation.

"Now, I know it is rude to leave my own engagement party, however, I am going to marry Penelope Featherington nee Lady Whistledown and I would be remiss in waiting any longer if you'll excuse us!" 

A few of the men hooted and whistled. Colin then whisked Penelope away to have a beautiful small wedding in the countryside a few days later, only with family and close friends.

He was going to spend an eternity making it up to his wife, not only because of the night he revealed her but also because he neglected to have her by his side for all the nights. Equally, for all the nights, he made her cry. He vowed never to hurt her or let anyone else hurt her again.

And Colin made good on his promise for the years to come. 

* * *

There was one last article, from Lady Whistledown a few weeks later:

_Dearest reader,_

_Tis' I again! Though I had proclaimed twice before that those articles were going to be my last._

_Whilst you and I now know that is untrue, this, however, is true - it would be lackadaisical of me as a writer to not report one of the biggest scandals of the decade. The scandal I speak of was revealed at the Duke and Duchess of Hasting's ball… it pertains to, yours truly._

_This would be my everlast article, for this time, you now know my secrets and who I am. I am your most overripe citrus fruit (particularly the most yellow of lemons), Penelope Featherington._

_Many acknowledgments to my charming but mischievous now-husband, Colin Bridgeton, I will have to retire and move on to other endeavors. It is now no fun knowing who I am, and I have put my quill down due to a promise I accidentally made to all of you._

_I have once said, oh, but years ago, that the day Penelope Featherington would marry a Bridgerton is a day the sky would fall, and I would burn my quill!_

_That day , Dearest Readers, has finally come._

_Alas, this time with much candor, I bid you adieu._

_It has been an undeniable and sincere pleasure to serve all of you. Thank you for being there for me as much as I, hopefully, have been there for you._

_Lady Whistledown_

_Society Papers July 18xx-18xx_

Penelope sobbed uncontrollably when she saw her last article. "Thank you for letting me write this," she whispered to her husband, who was lounging on the bed, looking so dashingly handsome without his shirt on, and hair tousled. 

They were both traveling for their honeymoon. In Italy, to be exact, away from London. Before they left for their travels, Colin encouraged her to write one last article, and she did. Dropping it off to her publisher (this time Colin came with, mostly to protect her). And her publisher released it days later.

The reception was marvelous. According to the Bridgerton's (mostly Eloise, Benedict and Violet's) letters, the ton was out of their minds reeling for weeks.

Plenty had wept, for there would be no more gossip to be shared so openly. Plenty was baffled, some even mad.

But no one dared ruin or speak ill of Penelope. One thing the ton had to accept was that Penelope bested them all, and they acknowledged that. And finally, so did Penelope. 

"You would be a fool not to write about the biggest scandal of the century," Colin beamed lovingly at her, dabbing his handkerchief against her falling tears. 

"She has been my life for so very long," Penelope choked, lips trembling. Her heart clenched from the loss of Lady Whistledown.

Colin drew her into an embrace. "Would it soothe you to know I will now be part of your life forever?" He asked, rubbing her back for comfort. 

Penelope chuckled through her tears. "Yes, it soothes me to my very core."

"You're going to be very busy with helping me with my book, and of course, your own when you are done."

Penelope giggled as she had been editing her husband's book for him, and got him in touch with her publisher. It was going well for him. She also hadn't told him she probably had 2 or so books fully written by now. One is their love story, Wander/Wonder Lust. It was their story of a boy who was wanderlust and a girl who was wonderlust, and together they made a great love story. 

"And of course, we're going to travel a lot as I continue to write, but also, you'll be busy," his eyes dropped from her face to her tummy. He extended his hand out to caress her stomach.

Penelope flushed. She wasn't pregnant yet, not that she knew of, but the fact Colin wanted them with her sent bubbles of joy through her. He hadn't spoken about children yet as Penelope never thought she would get married, so she never considered it. But now, with Colin assuring her he wanted kids, she would be swamped indeed. More bubbles of happiness overflowed her heart.

Colin wrapped his arms around Penelope, feathering kisses on her lips, cheeks, and neck. 

She had no idea how she got lucky. She felt him slide her chemise down her shoulder and kissed the hollow between her neck and shoulder. She shivered. She knew where this was going. They had been doing this every night. Colin couldn't keep his hand off her. Maybe that child would come sooner than expected?

"You will forever be Lady Whistledown to me and everyone else," Colin said. "While she is gone, she won't be forgotten. Your children will know of how cunning, brilliant and lovely their mother was...is." He nipped and nuzzled her neck, and Penelope moaned. She felt so enveloped in warmth; it was wondrous how safe and loved he made her feel. She'd never tire of it. 

"I love you so very much, Colin Bridgerton." 

"And I love you more, dearest Penelope Bridgerton."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends the main story. I'm not going to lie; I got emotional finishing this, which is why it took a long time to post.  
> I wrote this to unpack my feelings for this couple after watching the show and reading book 4, and I love them so! I want them forever to be happyyy but obviously with more #colinjealous!!!!! Thanks to those who followed and commented and supported this little fic (little?? it was meant to be a one-shot now its a 40K, lol)! Your comments and enthusiasm over this made me so happy!! I never tire of the comments, I love them so!!!
> 
> I'm going to write here and there under this series and other fics. But feel free to catch me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/katsucrizz) and discord, because I'm going to miss chatting with some of you in comments 😭😭😭, I have recognized some of the readers by now and ya'll light up my life. 
> 
> Thank you so much again.I hope it brought you as much joy as I!


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